The Weight Of Us
by miss.Dbelikov
Summary: This time it's Rose's love that faded. She and Dimitri are stuck in a loveless relationship, unable to break away because being unhappy together is better than being alone. But Rose finds herself longing for Adrian who is on the other side of the country in Palm Springs. Lucky for her an unresolved conflict brings him back to court, but will she be able to mend what she broke?
1. Prologue

AN: I honestly know I shouldn't be starting this story right now, not after just finishing my last story (which if you haven't read, is called Save You and is on my profile, and if you have read it ignore my shameless promoting). But here I am starting another story which will hopefully be shorter than the last... but knowing me, probably not.

Alright, as requested this is an Adrian/Rose story and will be told from both their perspectives. I think that's important because I honestly think Adrian was one of the three core characters in VA and I loved him as a character, I think he's really complex. This story is also taking place just a few months after Last Sacrifice, everything has happened and Adrian, Jill, Eddie and Sydney are all in Palm Springs while the rest of the gang is still at court.

I hope you guys like it and continue reading, any reviews are greatly appreciated.

Disclaimer: I do not own VA

* * *

Prologue: The Bend Before The Break

**Rose's Point Of View**

They always say you never know what you have until it's gone. People are always telling us to savour everything, to never leave anything until tomorrow, because you don't know if tomorrow will ever come. They're always persuading us to be with the ones we love, because they may be ripped away from us in the blink of an eye.

I thought I knew what that felt like, I thought that the love of my life had been ripped away from me. When Dimitri was awakened, it felt like my heart had been shattered in my chest. I remembered thinking that I should've spent more time with him, should've savoured all of the moments together. I remembered thinking that I knew what I had, and that feeling had just been intensified after he was gone.

What I didn't know, was just how bad that feeling was when Adrian walked out of the room that day. The heart shattering feeling I had when Dimitri was taken away was nothing compared to the feeling I had when Adrian walked out. Although it was painful with Dimitri - how shocking it was - it was worse with Adrian because it ached all the time.

At first I thought it was guilt, I thought that it was because I had broken his heart that I felt that way. I thought that overtime it would ease and I could be happy with Dimitri and our new life. But instead of getting better, that feeling just consumed me.

I couldn't stop thinking about Adrian and everything that I had lost. It was impossible to think about anything else, to be happy with Dimitri when all I thought about was Adrian. And because of that my love for Dimitri eventually disintegrated until there was hardly anything left, I tried to salvage any kinds of feelings but there was nothing there anymore.

I still cared about Dimitri and I always would, it was impossible to go through what we have and stop caring for that person entirely. But it was possible for the love to fade, he claimed it happened to him once before and now it was happening to me. I still cared for him but I would no longer pine for his affection, travel to the ends of the earth for him.

I think that Dimitri knew that, he was an intelligent man and had always been in tune with my thoughts and emotions. Dimitri knew that my love for him had faded but he said nothing, whether it was because he was in denial or he was holding out hope, praying that like him I found the ability to return his love. Whatever it was I never asked and he never confronted me about my emotions, instead we just placated one another and pretended like we still felt something.

But when we lay in bed late at night, hardly touching and deeply breathing, I find something in my chest aching. Every night we laid silently, both thinking the same thing but neither of us willing to admit it, we didn't want to utter the words knowing that it would break us forever. There wasn't enough love to keep this relationship going, it was just happening out of necessity and routine at this point. We had fought so hard to get to this point, to even be together and have this relationship, that to admit that it was over seemed like a disgrace.

So instead, we just lay in that cold bed. Tears would stream down my face and he would pretend not to notice in the dark, we would pull the covers tightly until we both drifted off into a deep oblivion.

Each of us dreaming of something far better than this.


	2. Here we fall and here we break

**AN: **Here's the first chapter for you, I hope you guys like it. Please read and review, it's really appreciated.

Disclaimer: I do not own VA

* * *

**Rose's Point Of View**

"He's doing great over there." "He's really becoming a decent man." "He's helped the moroi immensely." "He loves California." "He really is happy."

Those are all the short phrases I received from Lissa whenever I asked about Adrian, usually before she quickly changed the subject to something completely different. Sometimes I would go along wight he subject change, listening to whatever topic she had chosen to distract me with. But most of the time I tried to fight her on it, insisting she give me a real answer, something longer than six words strung together in a vague response to keep me occupied from digging further.

But I decided not to push it today. Maybe it was because I saw the sad look in her jade eyes or I noticed the way her shoulders tensed when I brought up his name. Or maybe it was because I finally clued into what she was really saying, maybe it was because for the first time I finally got the hint as to what she was trying to tell me.

"He's doing better without you."

That's what she was really trying to say. She was trying to tell me that being on the opposite side of the country from me was the best thing for him. That without all the mayhem and chaos that always seemed to follow me around, he was doing well. She was politely and considerately trying to let me know that I should stop asking about Adrian, because he had stopped asking about me.

And I don't know what hurt more; that my best friend pitied me and was trying to cushion the blow because she couldn't bring herself to tell me the truth. Or that the man that I didn't know I loved until I lost him, had finally stopped loving me. It was obviously the later, nothing could dull that type of pain or protect me from it, not even Lissa's feeble attempts.

"How's Dimitri?" Lissa asked, pulling me out of my head and back into the present. I watched as she shuffled around her office in royal housing that previously belonged to Tatiana. Lissa was still redecorating and going through Tatiana's things, putting most of it in archives or giving it to the Ivashkov family. I knew for a fact that she had sent a few things to Adrian across the country, she tried to hide it from me but I was her head guardian, which made that kind of impossible.

"He's good." I sighed vaguely, he had received an injury when he had gone out to the human world. It was nothing to worry about though, he had spent a night in the clinic and had his wrist bandaged but he would survive. "He's been visiting her, you know."

The her I was referring to was Tasha, who had spent the last several months in a jail cell until her trial. Ironically enough, it was the same cell that I had been locked in for weeks when my trial for killing the queen had been pending.

It had happened nearly five months ago and for some reason she still hadn't been sentenced yet. She had her hearing immediately following Lissa's crowning but nothing had happened since. Court dates were constantly being scheduled and promptly pushed back, repeating that same pattern for months. I knew why it kept happening, because Christian wasn't ready to say goodbye to the woman who raised him and Lissa wasn't ready to condemn a woman to death.

I understood the reasoning and I wasn't angry about it, even though she did shoot me. I didn't hold a grudge against Tasha for what she did, not for killing Tatiana, framing me or shooting me in the chest. I'm not saying that any of it was right because it wasn't, but I knew the facts and I knew that she was desperate.

Tasha had been watching the chaos of our society unfold and as a passionate advocate on moroi and dhampir rights, she saw it as her responsibility to do something about it. I respected her passion and courage to stand up for her beliefs, but I do not respect how she tried to show her beliefs. I also understood why she framed me for everything, I really hated that she had to frame me and how much of a pain in the ass it was, but she did it for what she believed was love. She wanted Dimitri so badly and she knew that he would never see her that way with me in the picture, I knew that she went to great lengths for love and that I had done some crazy things in the name of love.

And for the whole shooting me part? That's the thing I understood the most. Did I like it? Not at all, it was kind of a bitch and the whole dying thing sucked even more. But Tasha had been desperate and backed into a corner, she was fighting for a way out and was ready to take down anyone who dared get in her way. I had understood it because I had been there on more than one occasion. I knew what it was like to feel rabid and out of control, while people are closing in on you and making it impossible to get away.

I understood and related, but that by no means respected or even regard the choices that she made.

Although I didn't want to see someone I used to see as a friend executed and I defiantly didn't want to see someone Christian loved die, I do believe that she deserves to pay for what she had done. What would our world be without justice? Tasha committed treason and I think she deserved payment for that. And honestly I think she would rather face death than life incarcerated especially somewhere like Tarasov, because Tasha and I were alike in that way. She was too full of life to be locked away in a cage forever, if she was going to live then it would be to the fullest and not some half-assed life where the most she ever got to see of the world was from the walk to the feeders.

Which is why I often found myself bringing her up to Lissa like this. I wanted Lissa to move up the trial because it was the humane thing to do, because Tasha had already spent five months in that cell and she was probably going crazy (some could already argue that she was). It was cruel to keep her locked up down there for any longer, they needed to put her out of her misery already.

"He says she's gone, Liss." I told her softly, remembering what Dimitri had told me. He was a little wide eye'd and pale when he told me, sitting down and rubbing his hands through his long dark hair as he sunk into one of the chairs in our kitchen. I grabbed a glass of water and quickly sat beside him, waiting impatiently for him to tell me what happened.

Dimitri had found his composure quickly, taking a swig of the water before looking at me. His dark piercing eyes, looked ghostly when he looked at me. I remembered that Dimitri had recalled his visit with Tasha, telling me about ghostly and lifeless she had become. He kept repeating how much of a shell she used to be of her former self, just kept saying that Tasha was gone and this person was just a shell.

I remembered biting my lip and wishing that I could comfort him like I used to. I remember wishing that I loved him like I did and that I could wrap him in my arms and run my fingers through his hair, that I could whisper comforting words. I wished that I could tell him that I loved him.

"He says that she's wasting away, that she's cracking and fracturing before our eyes." I whispered, while Lissa just continued to face away from me, shuffling papers and books. I knew she didn't want to talk about it, just like she didn't want to talk about Adrian. But I wasn't going to sit there and let her avoid everything, shrugging off the things she didn't want to talk about. I had a knack for pushing people, especially when they didn't want to be and that wasn't going to change now.

"It's cruel, Lissa." I snapped, my patience for her finally coming to it's end. I had allowed her to give me half-assed answers for months because I knew it was tough and I knew she had a lot going on, but I wasn't going to do that anymore. "She's wasting away in there, she isn't the person she once was and forcing to keep her in a cell like a caged animal is wrong. Condemning her to execution may be hard, but at least it would be quick and painless. But not making a decision and letting her waste away in a cell is long and painful for everyone. Do the humane thing and let her plead guilty and be put out of her misery."

I watched Lissa, who had previously been moving around the room like a tornado, shuffling papers and other knickknacks, quickly become still. She stopped all together, letting everything that had been whirling around her settle before she even dared turn to face me. And even before she did, I knew what she was going to say and I knew what she was feeling.

The bond between us may have been gone, but I was still intoned with her thoughts and feelings. She was my best friend after all and I knew nearly everything about her, I could effortlessly guess her mood without any hesitation. Sometimes it was almost like the bond was still there, I was that good at reading her.

"I know that." Lissa told me, defeatedly. I saw in her light green eyes how tired she was, how much of a ghost she had become since being elected queen of the moroi. I felt a knot of guilt swell up inside me, knowing that was partially my fault for having our friends elect her and because I knew spirit also had to be weighing down on her.

There were so many things weighing down on all of us.

I used to think that everything would get easier after all the chaos subsided. I used to think that things might slow down and we could start living normal lives, but then Lissa's monarch duties kept her busy at almost all hours of the day, Christian was always finding excuses to not be at court and Dimitri and I had fallen out of love. Not to mention half of the gan had moved across the country, mostly because they had somehow become a liability to everyone who stayed.

Instead of getting easier, everything had just begun to spiral.

Everything was moving at impossible speeds, constantly spinning and spiralling, leaving us all dizzy and disoriented. We all tried to stay stable, to keep our feet on the ground and not let the harsh and confusing winds sweep us off our feet. We all wanted to stay cool and calm through everything that was happening, we wanted to support each other but we couldn't do that until we dealt with the weights pressing down on our own shoulders. But the only way to relieve the pressure, to stop the weight but still keep our feet on the ground was to get help from our friends. Which was impossible if we were all focused on ourselves.

It was like a never-ending cycle that couldn't be broken until one of us figured out how to navigate our way through these twisted paths.

Personally, I wanted to believe that I would be the one to find my way out first. I wanted to think that I could manage to keep myself grounded, relieve that weight pressing down on my shoulders AND guide myself out of this treacherous path. But to do that, I would have to come to terms with the fact that my love for Dimitri had really faded and that the feelings that I had for Adrian weren't disappearing. I wished that I could simply just fall back in love with him, but things weren't that easy, they never were.

**Adrian's Point Of View**

My hands were smeared with paint when I went outside into the balmy, California night that I had become accustomed to. I fished a pack of cigarettes from my pocket, trying not to get paint on my clothes because dry cleaning was expensive and my father was still giving me barely any money to live on. I grinned in satisfaction when I managed to open the pack without getting paint everywhere, but that smile quickly vanished when I realized the pack was practically empty.

I wouldn't be able to make it through the day, especially since I was spending it painting and I liked to smoke while I worked.

I had been cutting down lately, working my way down to quitting but until then, I was going to enjoy each clove until I got to my last. I sighed as I pulled out my lighter and stuck one of the few cigarettes to my lips, inhaling as I clicked the lighter.

I exhaled in relief, thankful that the pack wasn't completely empty. I was going to have to drive to the store for more, but I honestly didn't feel like driving myself and I thought about walking for a while. It was after all a decent night with nothing to worry about and the store was in walking distance. Besides, I needed some type of inspiration before I continued painting and who knows what might happen on this walk.

But the further I got the more I regretted the walk, I was alone with my thoughts and I knew that was the worst thing for me. At least if I drove I could have listened to the radio for distraction and it would be quicker then walking. I would still be alone which was a dangerous thing for me, but at least I wouldn't have the silence with only my thoughts to fill it.

After everything that happened and has been happening in my life, ever since I was old enough to realize how screwed up and unbalanced my life was, I had been nervous about being alone. I don't remember how old I was when I first noticed that I wasn't normal - and not in the sense that I was a vampire or that my family was wealthy and related to the queen - but that I saw things different and felt things differently. I was far too young to have specialized or even understand any of the craziness that would eventually consume my life.

I just remembered thinking that this wasn't how it was supposed to be, that there was something that set me apart from everyone else and that I would never be like them. And I remembered feeling indifferent about it, I didn't see it as a good or bad thing, just something that I could never change. I also remember that's when I first snuck into my father's office and stole a drink.

After that I found it impossible to function "normally" because I didn't know what that was. I found it impossible to be alone and always wanted to be surrounded by people, because although I wasn't like them and never would be, they were at least a distraction from my thoughts. I developed my taste for scotch, sneaking into the liquor cabinet whenever I was left alone in the house and couldn't find company. The next best thing to being distracted from your thoughts was diluting them altogether.

The cigarettes were just something that happened when I was away at school, a side effect from spending time with people who although weren't like me but had their own problems they needed remedying from. And all the woman? They were the outcome of never wanting to be alone, of wanting to stay close to people and hide from my own thoughts that were always teetering on the edge.

I wasn't the only one who feared what would happen if I was left alone. Once people began to see how my sanity would waver and my destructive side would often come out, they never wanted me to be alone. My mother was always so anxious about it, always wanting confirmation that I would be surrounded by people when I was away at Adler, that I wouldn't spend too much time alone.

Even Lissa was often concerned about how much time I was spending on my own, often asking me how I was and who I was with. I appreciated her concern but it wasn't her problem anymore, she was the queen and on the other side of the country, she had bigger things to worry about that whether I was alone or not.

Besides, I had Sage breathing down my neck about that. She was always checking up on me and making sure that I was doing alright, I always made flippant and sarcastic remarks whenever she did but I appreciated it. I think she knew that I appreciated it too, she would never say anything but she would always keep checking up on me.

Sometimes I wished that things would be easier, wishing that I could fall in love with someone like Sage. Although falling for Sydney would be the opposite of easy, she was a human alchemist and was supposed to hate all supernatural things. But it would be easier than feeling this burning passion for someone who didn't feel the same way, it would be less complicated than being in love with someone on the other side of the country, it would be simpler than pining for someone who loved another man.

Of course, Jill argues otherwise. She's always encouraging me to forget about Rose, to try and move on with someone new who could love me back. I always just gave her a look, because she knew better than anyone that doing that was impossible, she could feel the love that I felt for Rose and knew how powerful it was. Jill understood that whenever I closed my eyes, all I saw was her long dark hair, piercing eyes and body filled with fire. Jill knew that I wouldn't ever get over Rose.

I stumbled over to the curb, my legs giving out beneath me as I lowered to the ground. My head was in my hands and I blinked fast, trying to banish any thoughts of her. I knew that I shouldn't have walked, that I should've turned back because this was too much and my thoughts had taken over. I was consumed with the thought of her and past memories of stealing scotch from locked cabinets, of being surrounded by people who never could understand these horrid thoughts.

Normally I tried to block these feelings, tried to lose myself in the crowd or in a bottle. Sometimes I would get lost in my art or cigarettes, trying to channel the madness that I felt. But not tonight.

I wasn't going to try and lose myself tonight, I wasn't going to avoid this mad feeling that was infecting my brain. Instead I was going to let it consume me, take control and infect. I would let these dark thoughts seep into my brain, travel through my blood and into my heart. I wasn't going to go through the pain of trying to stop them from spreading, I was going to let them tonight because I was tired of fighting.

Tonight, I wasn't going to fight it.


	3. Turn and turn again

**AN:** So I know earlier I said this was gonna be a shorter story...scratch that because I just came up with the best plot twist... So keep reading and reviewing if you want to figure out what that is.

Disclaimer: I do not own VA or Bloodlines

* * *

**Adrian's Point Of View**

I don't know when they found me, I had lost what time it was early on in the night and I had also lost my mind faster than I thought. I knew that the sun was out and I was on the side of some interstate with nothing but desert surrounding me. I was stumbling around, not sure if I was even going the right way or where I was really headed for that fact, but I just tried to keep my feet moving.

I hardly even noticed when the familiar mocha coloured car pulled up beside me, the windows rolled down with someone shouting out them. I didn't notice anything really, not even the sun beating down on me and making me far weaker than I already was. I tried to pull myself out of the delirium that I was in, wanting to remember what had happened, to rebel against the dazed feeling that had taken over my body. But it was impossible to think about anything, all I could do was stumble forward.

I don't know really what happened directly after that, but I managed to connect the dots. As I continued to stumble forward, unaware of anything happening around me; Sydney, Jill and Eddie had pulled over to the shoulder of the road. I was guessing that Sydney was trying to keep everything together and tried to make sure Jill stayed in the car to avoid sun exposer. From the few details that I do remember, I knew that Eddie had been the one to leave the car and chase after me, which wasn't hard when I was moving at zombie pace.

"Adrian. Hey, Adrian." Eddie yelled, trying to pull my attention towards him but it was all just white noise. I barely noticed him or what he was saying, I just kept moving forward to my unknown destination. I heard some more background noise but continued, each step feeling heavier than the last. Where was I even going? I tried to wonder and force my mind to cooperate but it was impossible to work past the haze.

I had let my thoughts infect my brain, didn't bother fighting against them or defending myself from their poison. I thought it would be easier just to let them win for one night, but I couldn't have been more wrong. I wished that I had fought, that I had rebelled instead of being weak and cowardice. I wish that I had fought for a lot of things.

I mean, that's the reason why she left me in the end.

If you stripped away everything else, all of the complications and influences that played roles in our relationship, it still would have ended. It wasn't because Belikov whisked her off her feet or because being an on the run fugitive changes you, it wasn't even because the chemistry wasn't there. At the end of it all, the reason why we were over is because she was a fighter and I crumbled.

It's what set us apart from the very beginning. She had to fight for everything her entire life and she was still fighting when I met her. She never went down without a fight, never broke down in defeat or crack under the pressure. Sometimes I thought it was just because she was a guardian and that they were all trained that way, but I knew it was because that's who she was.

And giving up or giving in just wasn't in her nature, but it sure as hell was mine. If Rose was the symbol for perseverance and fighting, then I was the symbol for defeat and disintegrating.

You can't pin a lifetime champ who's been training for every fight against the rookie who's stepped in the ring for the first time. That's asking for a complicated and messy round, one where neither leaves the ring as a winner.

"Adrian? Come on, let's get you back home." Eddie tried to reason, this time cutting in front of my and placing his hands firmly on my shoulders. I blinked rapidly, his features blurring into focus as I tuned back into reality and left images of the ring behind.

I noticed the desert for the first time, realized how far in the middle of no where I was. I realized how burned and aching my skin was, how exhausted and light headed I was, the world still a little fuzzy. Turning slightly, I saw Jill pressed up against the window of the car while Sydney stood several feet away, concern written all over her face.

I turned back to face Eddie, seeing the worry written in his eyes. I must had really gone off the rails this time around, if they had tracked me down in the middle of the desert and looked this worried.

I nodded my head at Eddie, who wasted no time in grabbing my arm for support and led me to the car. As we passed Sydney she didn't hesitate to grab my other arm and help as I stumbled to the car. Wordlessly and silently, they opened the door to the back seat and helped me as I laid across it. I started to fade by then, the exhausted from everything that had happened last night and from the exposer to the sun had really begun hitting me. I was starting to shut my eyes, needing to sleep this off like a bad hangover, but I remembered Jill letting me rest my head against her knees and looking up to see that she too was starting to drift.

Sydney and Eddie both got into the car, starting it up and driving off without even turning on the radio. I guess like me and Jill, they just wanted to drift off and forget about this.

I knew immediately when I woke up that I wasn't alone. I didn't hear any voices or see anyone, but I could sense them and feel that they were waiting - I could feel their auras. I also knew immediately that it was Sydney, Jill and Eddie who were waiting for me…because who else would be sitting in my apartment right now?

And knowing that they were out there, waiting for me to wake up caused me to be torn. I wanted to just put my head back down and drift off, not wanting to deal with whatever was waiting for me in my living room. I didn't want to see the look in their eyes, the one acted like a mirror reflecting how much I've screwed up and how broken I've made myself. I didn't want to have to stare into their eyes and know that they too thought I was just as pathetic as I already thought.

But there was another, smaller part of me that wanted to go out there.

Maybe it was because I was masochistic and wanted to feel the pain of knowing people think you're not worth it. Or maybe it was because I finally wanted help, maybe it was because I thought I had a delusional chance at fighting against all this.

Whatever it was, it compelled me to swing my legs over the side of the bed and robotically go into my living room. I slowly eased open the door and observed for just a minute, knowing Castile and Jill had probably already heard my footsteps and the door opening if they had been listening carefully enough. And even if they hadn't, Jill could probably sense it from the bond.

But if they did, then neither of them gave it away. Instead Jill sat on the couch with her binders sprawled out on the coffee table, pencil in hand and creases between her eyes. While Castile was sitting in an adjacent chair, his eyes often flickering around the room like trained guardians often did.

And then there was Sydney.

She clearly had no inkling that I was up and wasn't going to be bothered pretending that she wasn't waiting for me to get up. Instead she was pacing around my apartment, cleaning as she went and periodically inspecting the paintings that were haphazardly on canvases around the apartment. I could see the look in her eyes when she took in the whole painting, sometimes I saw her eyes widen in realization as to what it was about and sometimes I saw her brow furrow because she wasn't sure.

It wasn't hard to figure out though, that most, if not all of my paintings were about my life back home. They were about the luxurious life at court, about all of the lavish parties and the lush lifestyle. But the deeper ones, the more abstract ones that made you really think were about less tangible things. Some were of friendship or spirit or love, many were about losing all of those things or losing the balance that you need to have those things. The darker paintings in the collection were of what happened when the scales tipped and you completely lost all balance, everything tipping and teetering.

I watched as she reached out to touch one, to brush her fingertips along the canvas. I knew which one it was because it was the best and worst of all the paintings, it was a painting of someone being reflected into dark brown eyes.

I watched realization take over her features as she looked at the painting, knowing who's eyes they were and the person reflected in them. And after the realization hit I could see the sadness sink in, almost like the painting made her feel the same empty heartache that constantly plagued me. It's like the painting allowed her to see what I was feeling and in that brief moment she understood, she didn't pity or try to sympathize, she just understood.

**Rose's Point Of View**

I leaned against the edge of the island in the kitchen, my fingers gripping the lip of the table. The house was eerily silent because Dimitri was out guarding Christian, he was always out guarding Christian even when he was off duty. I wasn't complaining though, because lately Christian had been even more irritable and well, Dimitri just wanted any reason to get out of the house.

I think it was getting harder for him to avoid the fact that our relationship was crumbling.

I think that it hurt him to be around me, knowing that when I looked at him I see someone that I used to love. I think it hurt him to know that when I spoke to him or touched him or joked with him, that it was in a friendly reminiscent way. But what I think hurt him the most, was knowing that I was trying to force love and I was trying to make myself do all of these things with love again.

So I understood why he stayed away, because the only thing worse than knowing I didn't love him, was knowing that I was trying so hard to force love that wasn't there. It pained him to know what I tried to look at him with nothing but love, that I tried to remember the way I used to gaze at him with nothing but lust and admiration. It hurt him to know that when I touched him I tried to make it seem honest and raw, that I tried to do it out of want and need rather than habit and obligation. It killed him to know what when I kissed him, it was nothing but the feeling of lips pressing against lips, there wasn't a spark or any type of passion there.

I know that I was painting a pretty bleak picture and that's because this was a very dark and difficult situation that we were in. Our relationship was stuck on a dead end road and we both knew that, but we were both convinced that we could turn around, couldn't abandon it and that there must be another path that we can take together.

Besides, it wasn't all bad.

It wasn't like Dimitri and I hated each other and never spoke, like we survived under this roof like ghosts or that we lived under a banner of avoidance. Like all other things with Dimitri, this was complicated and had many different sides. On the one side we did act like ghosts and never spoke, but that was rare, mostly we acted like we did when we were at the academy.

Things are light and we don't talk about heavy topics often. We joke around and make sarcastic comments, we train together like we used to and we act like friends would. On average days, after we get over the bitter night of not speaking, things fall easily into a platonic routine and we joke around effortlessly. Of course there are some sullen pauses or looks that are exchanged when we know we should be kissing or holding hands or having sex. There are sullen times where I catch him looking at me from the corner of his eye and I can see that he wants more, that he wants to find a way to make this work and I do too.

I want to be happy with Dimitri and I want to love him like he loves me. I wanted everything to be like it was all those months ago when we were happy and in love.

I wanted those things but I wasn't sure if I would ever get them. Especially since whenever I think about the current situation, I'm always reminded of a previous one.

My loveless relationship reminded me exactly of my relationship with Mason, if you could even call it that. It was exactly like what happened with my late best friend, who loved me and just wanted the feelings in return. I wished so badly that I could've just fallen for Mason, because he was a great guy and an even better friend, because he was kindhearted and determined, because things would have been simple and easy with him.

But I couldn't return those feelings for him as hard as I tried. It was impossible to force something that just wasn't there, you couldn't just pull love from thin air. And in the end, I would never forgive myself for not being able to love Mason back the way he needed and for leading him on and giving him any type of hope. I still felt guilty everyday for what happened to Mason and it made me afraid for what might happen to Dimitri.

Although he and Mason weren't the same, they both shared traits and they were both amazing men. Another thing they had in common was that they wanted me to return feelings that I wasn't sure I could ever. And it made me nervous to think what might happen to Dimitri if I continue to lead him on like this, if I let this loveless relationship continue on it's dead end path. I didn't want to hurt anybody - especially him - that was never my intention. Just because I wasn't in love with him didn't mean that I didn't love him deeply.

And it was because I loved him that I needed to tell him, I needed to break things off because I wouldn't be able to live with myself if something happened to him.

I needed to tell him and I was going to tell him, this couldn't keep going on anymore.

I pushed myself off the counter and reached for my cell phone, needing to call him back here immediately but just as I was ready to dial the phone began ringing. I looked down at the caller ID and froze at what I saw, unsure whether I should answer or not.


	4. I've Given You All That I Can Give

AN: Here's another chapter for you, please read and review. I hope you guys like it so far and get ready for some serious twists ahead.

Disclaimer: I do not own VA or BL. All rights belong to Richelle Mead

* * *

**Rose's Point Of View**

I stared at my phone for what felt like hours, unable to blink or unclench my fingers from around my phone. I could barely even hear the shrill ringing because my mind had already begun wandering miles and miles away, all the way across the country. I wasn't sure what to do in that moment because it just seemed so shocking that any of them would be calling me, I had to squint my eyes and tilt my head several times before I was convinced the name was even right.

None of them were supposed to have contact with anyone except Lissa and even then, the conversations were secretive and short, not lasting long enough for anyone to figure out where they might be. We put them in Palm Springs for a reason, knowing that vast and sunny place was the perfect thing to hide vampires who needed protecting. It's where I would have wanted to go had I had a choice when I was on the run, it was important that I had a say in their location or else they would've been in Virginia somewhere with absolutely nothing to do, no cable and no internet service…hell maybe they wouldn't have even had plumbing had I not stepped in.

But that being said, just because I knew where they were, didn't mean that I could speak to them. If I could, then I probably wouldn't still be in this relationship with Dimitri. If I were allowed to call them or speak to any of them, then I bet I wouldn't be at court right now but instead I would be with them in Palm Springs.

We hadn't had contact in months, meaning that it had to be important as hell for them to be calling now.

"What's wrong?" I asked immediately, not bothering with the hellos or how are you's. I needed to make sure that they were all ok, I needed to know that they were safe and there wasn't any Strigoi (unlikely), or that the rebels (also unlikely) had found them. I needed to find out what the problem was so that I could help resolve it as fast as possible, I needed to make sure they were all alive and that Eddie had whatever information or resources he needed to protect them until I brought the guardians.

"Nothing, nothing. We're fine, I promise." Jill breathed into the phone, her voice still fast and nervous as I remembered. I felt myself sigh in relief, my body relaxing and shoulders slumping forward. They were all okay, they weren't in danger. I pressed my hand to my face, trying to cool the flush that had crept up after the phone rang and my mind began spinning.

"Well what's up then?" I gulped, trying not to sound worried but rather relaxed, which was still the exact opposite of how I felt. I knew they were fine but I still couldn't help the burning of tears that stung my eyes or the desire to rush over to the court planes and make them charter one to Palm Springs.

"I had questions and I needed to ask someone, but I figured only you and Lissa would know, and since Lissa is always so busy I thought I could try you. Not that you aren't busy either, it's just you're not queen." Jill rambled, which surprisingly helped calm my nerves. I guess something about the familiarity of her rambling was what helped me relax and remember that they were fine, that nothing was out to harm them.

"Get on with it, Jill." I told her with a bit of a laugh.

"Right, okay. So about this bond, remember you said that you used to take the darkness from Lissa and it made her a little less…unbalanced?" She began and suddenly that feeling that everything was alright just slipped out from under me and I was back to panicking. "How exactly did you do that and when did you know that you should do that? I wouldn't be asking if it wasn't important."

"Do not take any darkness from Adrian, do you hear me?" I told her firmly, although it killed me knowing that he was dark and I wasn't allowing someone to heal that from him. "It is dangerous and you may not be able to handle it."

"I can handle it, I'm not weak." Jill told me in response, sounding just as strong as I did whenever I took the darkness away from Lissa. But I hadn't been as strong as I thought and I took on too much, I created a catalyst and killed a man because of it. Lissa had darkness but it was only a fraction of what I assumed Adrian had built up, I couldn't imagine how much that would impact Jill and what she would do under the stress of it all.

"No, you can't." I told her, knowing no one was strong enough to carry this darkness. "I couldn't carry Lissa's and we had a bond for _years. _You've had a bond with Adrian for months and he's been building this darkness for a very long time. You're not ready to carry it and honestly you never will be, we are not meant to withstand that kind of power."

"But I can't just do nothing, Rose." She whispered, her voice desperate and low. "You don't know how bad it is, we…we found him roaming the desert this morning, completely out of it. He practically collapsed in Eddie's arms from the exposure and exhaustion." Her words felt like a knife, stabbing my hear repeatedly.

I closed my eyes and imagined him walking, ragged and worn through the desert without thought. It was all to easy to picture in my mind, too simple to think because I knew how he could go over the edge, I had seen it happen a few times and I had experienced it with Lissa once or twice. I knew how uncontrollable and unpredictable the darkness could be, that one minute you felt focused and in control but then something happened - a single spark - could set you off.

Sonya had called it a catalyst, saying that so much darkness had built up that it was just waiting for you to ignite it. It was terrifying to think about, that Adrian and Lissa too were just ticking time bombs, ready to set off in a seconds notice. It was even more terrifying that none of us could do anything, that we all sat there helplessly, wanting to help but couldn't. It was even more terrifying to know you could help but were unable too, that you knew the consequences of helping could be far worse and that you may be hurt in the process.

It seems like a small price to pay in the end, your helping ease them away from insanity and well they saved your life, which is how this all happened in the first place. It seems like a fair trade, until you wrap your head around the fact that just because you absorbed some darkness doesn't mean you took it all and it doesn't mean that more won't manifest.

"You can and you will, for the time being anyway. I'll fly Sonya out on the next plane and she'll know what to do, she'll bring silver with her and make charms for both of you. But in the mean time both of you should stay inside, stay together and try to relax. I know it sounds impossible but just try to, tell Adrian to paint and you should maybe use water."

"Okay…" Jill said uneasily, I had a distinct feeling that she didn't really believe what I was saying and that she thought taking the darkness still might be an easier alternative. For a second I thought about just letting her go, doubting that she would really defy me like that but then I remembered all of the stuff I would've done to help Lissa - all of the people and rules I defied - and I knew I couldn't let her go.

"Give the phone to Eddie." I told her immediately and abruptly. "I know he's probably sitting right there, hand him the phone." I hoped that she wouldn't get scared and hangup, because although getting ahold of Eddie wouldn't be that hard, it would be hard to tell if Jill might do something distracting while I when to guardian headquarters and requested his new phone number.

That was the thing with this whole mission and the whole being grown up and a guardian, suddenly you had to clear everything and make sure it was alright before you did it. That was something that needed getting used to, since usually I just did what I wanted and thought about the consequences later. I never really had much though about protocols, not until after I became apart of the red guard for the queen.

The mission didn't make it any easier, since they were supposed to be in hiding and no one aside from Lissa, Hans and the alchemists were supposed to have contact with the group. There were a few exceptions but not many, it's partly the reason why I hadn't tried harder to get in touch with them, because I knew that unless it was emergent then we weren't supposed to have contact. I had deleted their numbers from my phone and made sure I didn't know their exact location, but I did sneak Jill my number before I left her in California.

I had broken the rules and hoped that it was for a good enough reason. I did it because I knew how hard it was to be someone's bond mate and to constantly have them in your head, I knew it was tough to be controlled by their thoughts and to separate yourself from them. Sometimes you didn't feel like your own person and I understood that. I gave her my number and avoided deleting hers, because I knew she would need help with everything that came along with the bond, I sure as hell needed help and I wouldn't have survived without it.

After some muffled groans and way too much silence, Eddie's voice finally came through the phone. I gave an audibly sigh of relief and let my shoulders slump, I had been pacing with my fingers gripped tightly on the phone, ready to sprint to guardian headquarters at any moment. I hadn't wanted to run there and go through typical protocol for this situation but if I had to then I would. Jill would be in serious danger if she tried to take any - especially all - of Adrian's darkness. And I would've run all the way to Palm Springs if it meant that I could stop her from doing it, but this way was much simpler.

"Rose." Eddie asked, well it was more of a confirmation. If I had to guess, I would say that Jill told him I was on the phone but didn't go into detail as of why, I also guessed that Eddie had pieced together most of the conversation and that I wouldn't have to fill him in too much. I was also guessing that Jill was trying to slink off somewhere before Eddie and I got off the phone, that way she could have a few moments without Eddie watching her like a hawk and making sure she didn't take away any darkness.

"Eddie listen, you need to watch Jill and make sure she doesn't take any of Adrian's darkness." I told him immediately, my voice firm and guardian like. "If she even shuts her eyes for too long or zones out, hell if she even looks like she wants to take any darkness I want you to stop her. I don't care how, just stop her."

"Got it." Eddie confirmed instantly, I could practically feel his eyes watching Jill right now. I knew he was competent enough to make sure she doesn't absorb any darkness, he had the ability to stop people from acting out when crazy. I know, because he had to pull me back from more fights then I'd like to admit. "I'll make sure she's safe. What's your plan?"

I smiled briefly, feeling a wave of nostalgia. Eddie knew me so well, he didn't have to hesitate or wait for me to explain anything, he already just knew. It made me long for him, because I missed Eddie and I felt guilty that he was on the other side of the country, banished to some desert. I couldn't help but feel like he had been exiled there, it's what everyone was thinking but no one was brave enough to say.

When it comes down to it, every one of them had been kicked out of court - even Sydney, although she hadn't been here to start - they had all become some type of renegade and did something that put them in "disgrace".

Eddie had killed a moroi, Jill turned out to be the bastard sister of the queen, Sydney had helped a fugitive dhampir and Adrian, well Adrian had technically been a disgrace for his entire life. They had all made mistakes that when put into motion evidently cost them everything, their lives were changed forever now and it was all because of something that happened in a split second. Coincidently or rather not - all of these mistakes were a result of helping me because without my involvement none of their mistakes would've never been put into motion.

The only exception to that might be Adrian, who's mistakes had been noticeable from the start. But if he hadn't been involved with me and if he hadn't helped with my escape and lie about my whereabouts when I was on the run, then he would still be here at court. If he had limited his involvement with me then he wouldn't be all the way across the country dealing with whatever monsters plagued him.

I couldn't help but feel guilty that they had all been exiled over there, but I knew it was still necessary. Jill would've been shipped off somewhere to keep her safe, it was just convenient that the rest of them went with her. Although, I was glad that it was Eddie keeping her safe and Sydney making sure everything went smoothly. If I couldn't be there myself to watch over everything, then those two are the ones I picked.

"I'm going to set up a flight and send Sonya on it with all the silver in court. She can make charms that will help both of them and keep some of the darkness from effecting them. It's not a permanent fix but hopefully it will keep both of them sane until we can come up with one." I explained, knowing that the possibility of actually finding a cure for the insanity was next to impossible. But still, nothing was going to stop me from trying. I knew what it was like to experience the uncontrollable imbalance of Spirit and the darkness that always infected your brain, although I didn't have to deal with it anymore, that didn't mean that the people I cared about didn't have to deal with it.

"Alright, I'll keep an eye on Jill and we'll be ready for Sonya whenever she arrives. I'll make sure that Sydney lets the alchemists know." Eddie told me, hiv voice strong and steady as a rock. I bit my lip to keep a mass of words from fumbling out, I was the furthest thing from as strong as him. I put on an act and held my head strong but the thought of someone else dealing with this darkness? Of feeling so out of control, so insane? It was enough to shake me.

I wanted to hangup the phone to stop myself from revealing how much I was crumbling the thought, but something stopped me and made it impossible to press end. I needed to make sure he would look out for Adrian too, I knew without a doubt that he would but I wanted that confirmation. I needed to hear Eddie say that he would keep Adrian safe, that he wouldn't let his mind take control and that he would help Adrian fight. I needed Eddie to promise me - to treat Adrian like any charge, to protect him like he would a friend.

"Take care of Adrian." I swallowed, my voice sounding stronger than I felt. "Swear to me. Swear that you will protect him like you would protect Jill or Lissa or, or Mason." I knew that it was asking a lot, that Adrian wasn't always the easiest person to like and he often got himself into complicated messes, but I needed to know that he would be safe. I needed Eddie to protect Adrian like he would protect the most important people in his life, like he would've protected Mason had he been given the chance.

"I'll take care of him." Eddie confirmed and I could hear the honesty in his voice, he would take a bullet for Adrian by the way he sounded. And that was saying a lot since bullets hurt like a bitch - I would know. "I promise."

I was going to say more except I heard the front door opening and I didn't want Dimitri to overhear this conversation with Eddie. Mostly because I wasn't supposed to have any contact with them on the East coast but also because it was about Adrian and protecting him. I was going to tell Dimitri that our relationship was over but I wasn't going to tell him it was because I cared too much about Adrian, I wasn't going to drag Adrian into this when he was busy dealing with his own demons.

**Adrian's Point Of View**

I could feel Sydney watching me with anxious eyes while I sat on the couch, coffee in hand as I pretended not to notice her gaze. I was pretending to be oblivious to everything, just going along and not asking questions when Jill and Eddie suddenly just left or when Sydney attempted to distract me. I didn't know the specifics of what they were doing but I wasn't going to fight it, I was too exhausted to attempt to put a halt to whatever plans they had.

So I just stared out into space, letting my mind's exhaustion weigh down on me. I must've been sleeping for hours but I was still so tired, whatever happening late last night really did a number on me. I tried to think back to what happened but I just got snippets, images that made no sense and could be taken in any type of context.

I don't know what really happened, but I do know that I never got around to grabbing cigarettes, if I had then I would be smoking the pack by now. I also know that I had some drinks because the stale tasty of brandy was in my mouth, but that might also be because I constantly poured some in my coffee whenever I had it.

"Adrian?" Sydney asked, voice distant and light. I knew she wanted to ask questions but she also didn't want to know or pry, she was a polite and gentle person by nature and training, if she thought I didn't want to share then she wouldn't push. She was the opposite of Rose, who would berate and push until I told her whatever it was. "Mind if I ask you something?"

"I don't know what happened last night." I answered, guessing that was her question. "One minute I was walking to get cigarettes, the next I was in the desert with you three pulling me into the car." I blinked my eyes several times, trying to banish the image of Jill peering out from the backseat while Eddie and Sydney dragged me to the car. It wasn't the worst thing that's ever happened to me and wasn't the first time I've been dragged away like that.

"That's not what I was going to ask." She shook her head, voice still gentle and light. I watched her as she tousled her blonde hair and corrected her crisp white button-down. I wished that I could fall for someone like her, someone different and fresh, someone who was opposite of everyone in my world. I wished that I could let myself love someone strong but not forceful, beautiful but not attention seeking and kind but not flirty.

I wished that I could love Sydney because she was the opposite of Rose, because she still had all these amazing qualities but was still her own person. I wished that I could love her but I couldn't, something stopped me every time and it was a set of dark brown eyes.

"I was going to ask what you think about when you're painting." Sydney breathed, her gold eyes flickering around to all of the canvases. I knew she thought they were beautiful, that they held a world of wonder and were enchanting. I could tell that she wished she could get lost in those paintings, I knew that because that's what I wished whenever I was painting them.

"Well, when I'm aware enough to know that I'm actually painting, I think about getting lost in them." I admitted honestly, surprised that there was no witty quip in my response. "I think about what it would be like to fall in, to survive in a different world with nothing but beauty around me. I think about how much easier everything would be if the world was like these paintings."

Her eyes flickered to me, mesmerized by my words that were flowing out like one of my tangents. I knew it was all me though, that my words were coming from my coherent mind and not from the darkness, I wasn't clouded or tainted by Spirit right now. I had complete clarity and knew what was happening for the first time in a long time.

I watched as she opened her mouth to say something, but was cut off by the sound of the door opening. We both turned to see Jill and Eddie walking in the door, an annoyed look on Jill's face while Eddie just looked impassive.

I raised my eyebrows as if to ask what was happening as Jill stomped over to the chairs and flopped down, her arms crossed over her chest and lips pursed. I studied her for a moment and knew that something had happened when they were gone and Jill had been scolded for it and that she was frustrated about all of it.

I turned back and watched as Eddie entered the room, his movements fluid and strong as any guardian while his eyes flickered around for danger. Clearly whatever happened wasn't too serious because although Eddie's appearance didn't give anything away his aura did and aside from some slight worry everything seemed normal.

"So what's the plan?" I asked, knowing there was one or else Eddie wouldn't be so calm and Jill wouldn't be so annoyed. I got off the couch and made my way to the kitchen, ignoring everyone's eyes as they followed me closely. "Are you planning to sedate me and lock me in the house? Or are we going the old fashion route and sticking to rehab?" I asked, my voice slightly amused as I made jokes about what would happen next. I hoped neither of these would be options and that the real plan was actually a decent one.

"Sonya's going to fly down for a few weeks." Eddie told me, his voice calm and collected like any guardian's. I made sure to keep my face impassive as I poured more coffee into the cup while opening a cabinet. My eyes met his and we held the stare for a moment, letting all of the unspoken words pass between us - things we didn't want the others to hear.

"Another baby-sitter," I remarked, my hand grabbing the nearest glass bottle of dessert brandy. I spun off the top and tipped the bottle over the half empty glass. "Perfect."


	5. Never Let Me Go

****AN: The plot thickens. Thank you for anyone who has read and reviewed, I hope that you will continue to do so. And For anyone who has read and yet to review... please do so! This story is for you and I want to hear your input and thoughts.

Disclaimer: I do not own VA or BL. All rights belong to Richelle Mead

* * *

**Rose's Point Of View**

"Rose?" His voice rang out from down the hall of our house. I quickly scrambled to shove my phone in the back pocket of my jeans and straighten my face so that I wouldn't give anything away. I knew that I could trust Dimitri with this but I didn't want to, I didn't feel the need to share this with him because he wasn't my confidant anymore.

There was a time where I would've shared anything with him, my deepest secrets that not even Lissa knew. Dimitri had heard it all and locked it away, allowing me to trust him fully without any hesitation. But things were different now - we were different now - and I didn't want to tell him my darkest secrets anymore, I didn't want to include him in my crazy plans.

"In here," I called, still leaned against the counter as I heard him walking down the hallway towards the kitchen. I watched him walk into the kitchen, anticipating that maybe I would feel my heart quicken or my stomach drop, but there was nothing. I still held out hope that maybe these feelings might return, but they never did, there were no butterflies and my heart never skipped a beat. At least, not for Dimitri.

"Hey," I smiled, although I didn't feel those lovey feelings anymore it didn't mean that I wasn't happy to see him. Like I'd said before, I may not be in love with him anymore but that didn't mean that I didn't still love him. And it didn't mean that I dreaded whenever he came around, whenever I saw him I was always relieved knowing he was safe and unharmed, after all we did live a dangerous lifestyle and his safety still was important to me. "How's your wrist?"

He looked down at his bandaged wrist, flexing his hand and rotating the joint a few times before shrugging. He leaned against the counter opposite me, his dark eyes boring into mine. "It's good."

"That's great, hopefully it will be all healed within the next few days." I smiled, before hoisting myself up to sit on the top of the counter, while my legs dangled. Dimitri said nothing but just watched me for a little while, almost like he knew that I was hiding something. I just prayed that he didn't know what it is that I was hiding. I could deal with him thinking I had secrets, I couldn't handle him knowing what those secrets were.

We stayed in that silent state for a long time, neither of us saying anything or making any type of noise. We both just glanced at each other, our eyes unable to look away. It was such a surreal moment because it had happened before but never like this, when we used to look at each other like this it was because there were unspoken conversations happening between us, because we were so connected and in love that we didn't need words to convey what we felt. But now? It it just felt empty and broken, like we were trying to use a form of communication that had gone dead long ago.

I wanted to stand up and leave or kiss him and tell him that I loved him, but I couldn't do either of those things. I was just stuck, looking at him and feeling the pain in my heart when there should be unconditional love. I was paralyzed and was only able to ask how had this happened? How did we get so far being this broken? How we were still surviving when we were this fragile?

_You aren't surviving. You're dying. _

Was that true? Was I really dying? Were Dimitri and I so far beyond repair that being together, although out of habit and necessity was actually killing us slowly? It seemed crazy to think that - that being with the person who was supposed to be so right for you, was actually so wrong for you - that being together in this loveless relationship was actually killing us.

I was gonna brush it off as my overdramatic imagination, that is until I really looked into Dimitri's eyes. There I could see it, I could see all of the pain that I was causing him. I knew that he would never walk away but that staying with me, with seeing me everyday and knowing that I didn't return his feelings was slowly killing him. He was suffering and it was all because of me and I was too selfish to let go.

I loved him and I couldn't stand seeing him like this. I couldn't trap him here with me, making it impossible for him to stay or go, I couldn't just keep stringing him on like this. I couldn't just keep killing him and let him be in this agonizing pain.

I loved and respected Dimitri too much for that. We had been through the impossible together, had survived the impossible and managed to make it to the happily ever after part. But what if we weren't supposed to make it this far?

I needed to end it. I needed to do this for him.

"Dimitri," I began, my voice thick as I began to do what might be the hardest thing in my life. I rather be shot in the chest repeatedly then do this, I didn't want to hurt him like this and a part of me didn't want to let go of the idea that things might get better. But I knew I needed to let him go and I needed to do it now, I had held on for far longer than I should have.

It was my turn to pull the trigger now. I had loaded it, taken aim and had my finger resting on the trigger. Now all I needed to do was close my eyes and pull.

I watched Dimitri flinch slightly, his eyes steeling and his shoulders going rigid. Dimitri wasn't a dumb man, he knew what was going to happen next and he wasn't a coward either, he was ready to take this bullet.

"Dimitri, I-" I had begun to say the hardest thing ever, to utter the words I never even imagined I would have to say to Dimitri. I closed my eyes and imagined my finger slowly pulling tighter against the trigger, waiting for the kickback and the sound of the bullet-

But then the damn phone rang and it felt like I had shot a blank.

I opened my eyes and reached around in my back pocket, preparing to ignore the call because nothing was more important than this. I cared about Dimitri far more than any guardian matter or person who might be on the other end of that phone. Dimitri was still a priority in my life and I wasn't going to disrespect him further by picking up a phone call.

"Answer it." He told me, forcing my eyes to snap towards him. He was impassive and hard, like any responsible guardian should be, he was putting guardian business before personal problems, which is exactly what the model guardian did. But why should I have expected any different? He was a model guardian, he was everything a novice or full-fledged guardian should aspire to be. He was one of the best, he was my teacher and I was letting him go.

I was going to ignore the call anyway, but then I looked at him and knew that he was right. I was doing what he wanted and what he taught me, I was also delaying the inevitable a little longer.

"Hello?" I asked, my voice flat and serious. I sounded like a typical guardian, all business and no emotion, I wished that I was really like that. That would make life so much easier, it was hardly be worth living but it would make my job more simple and it would've stopped me from ever getting myself into such tangled web with all of these men.

"Rose, I need you to come to the palace immediately." It was Lissa and she sounded off…not hysterical per say but definitely panicked. I knew something huge had happened, maybe she had finally passed the law against quorums or perhaps she had heard about what's been happening in Palm Springs. Either way, she was calling and I knew I had to be there. "And bring Dimitri."

With that Lissa hung up the phone, too busy being queen to explain further. I didn't blame her but instead would follow her instructions, whatever it was had to be important if she needed to see me and Dimitri right away. Duty calls and that meant delaying this execution of Dimitri which both frustrated and relieved me because I was able to put down the gun and call off the firing squad. Dimitri could go one for a little bit longer.

"We have to go." I told him, jumping off the counter and shoving my phone into my back pocket. He didn't move for a minute but just watched me instead, gathering my bag and waiting for him. I needed him to move, to say or do something but he just stood there, unable to move or just not wanting too.

I don't know why I did what I did, whether it was out of want and need or out of habit and anxiety, but I guess the reasoning behind it didn't exactly matter. What did matter was that I did it, that I made the first move and that I really did mean it. I didn't do it out of pity or fear that he wouldn't come, I did it because I could see he was in pain and I wanted to ease some of it.

I took a few steps towards him when he didn't move, expecting that my proximity would break him out of whatever spell he was under. But he still didn't move, not even when I got up on my toes and leaned into him. My hands found his, body leaned into him and lips pressed against his, my eyes closed and although there wasn't a spark like there used to be, there was still that peace and familiarity which was what I think we both needed right now.

We stayed like that for longer than we should have, even after the kiss broke we still stayed close, my body moulding into his. He didn't hug me tighter but he also didn't push me away, he was just kind of there either lost in his own thoughts or enjoying the moment. I closed my eyes and enjoyed this moment, knowing it would probably be one of our last embraces and I wanted to remember ever detail about it.

So I sunk into him, feeling every inch as the tears silently slid down my face. I wanted to wipe them away or sniffle them back but I didn't bother, I didn't want to move from this spot and I didn't want to hide how I felt about our broken relationship - part of the reason it was so damaged was because I did that from the start.

I just wanted to stand there forever and not have to deal with anything else, I didn't want to have to leave for guardian problems and I didn't want to have to pick up the gun and basically kill Dimitri. I just wanted to stand there and wish that he would hold me back. I just wanted everything to be easy for once, I just wanted to love him like he loved me.

I think he felt the same way because eventually he wrapped his arms around me and pulled me in tightly. He didn't say anything and he didn't have to, we both just silently stood there without saying a word, wrapped in each others arms.

**Adrian's Point Of View**

No one said anything when I took a swig of my diluted coffee, they all stayed silent. Eddie and Jill watched with a saddened expression, like they wanted to say something but couldn't find the words, or didn't think they had the right to say them. Sydney just turned her head, choosing to stare out the window rather than watch me down the brandied coffee.

"Who's brilliant idea was it to fly in Sonya anyway?" I asked, having a distinct feeling that it wasn't Eddie and it wasn't Jill, mostly because Castile's main priority was looking after Jill and keeping everyone out of direct danger, he didn't have much experience with this type of danger. And Jill may try her best but she had about as much knowledge about Spirit and how it worked as Eddie did and I doubt that Sonya would've stumbled to her mind by coincidence. Someone had put this idea in their heads and I had an idea on who that person was.

My assumption seemed to be more and more plausible when neither of them answered, instead just looking at one another before staring back at me blankly.

"You called her." I told them flatly. I don't know how I knew, maybe it was just a feeling that I had or a look in their eyes, somehow I just knew. But that's how it was with Rose, I always just _knew._

"Adrian, I'm sor-" Jill began, her voice high pitched and sincere. I knew that she was just trying to do what was best and I wasn't mad at her, I just wished that she knew what was really best.

From the way her voice cut off and the look on her face I could tell she had heard my thoughts and that they hit her hard. My eyes met her jade ones and I tried to tell her that I was sorry and that I wished she hadn't heard it but I think the damage was already done. Her face was flushed and her chin had fallen, I knew that she just wanted to get away.

"It wasn't her, it was me, alright." Eddie defended, coming to Jill's rescue for the countless time. My eyes left Jill's and drifted to his, I didn't believe that it was his idea for one minute but it didn't matter who's idea it was. It was too late and they had already called her, she already knew and who the hell knew what that meant.

Apart of me wished that it meant she was on the next plane out here, that she still cared enough to want to make sure I was okay. Hell, even a phone call from her would've meant the world, to know that she cared if I survived or not. Now that she knew, I wanted to knew if she cared or if she just brushed it off and went back to bed with Belikov.

But when there was no phone call and neither Jill or Eddie assured me that she would be out here soon, I knew that Rose didn't care enough to contact me. She set up a plan because she had to, because she owed it to Eddie and Jill, not because she gave a damn about me. She was probably already kissing Belikov, with me the furthest thing from her mind.

I gulped back the rest of my coffee and turned to pour the rest of the liquor into the cup.

**Rose's Point Of View**

We held each other's hand tightly all the way across court to the palace. After we managed to untangle ourselves and I wiped the tears from my eyes, he reached down and grabbed my hand and I refused to let go. We walked like that through the court paths, not speaking and remaining completely impassive even as we walked through the royal housing.

I don't know why we did, I honestly don't know what type of comfort it brought me. Maybe it was just that same familiarity that I had gotten from the kiss, maybe it was knowing that he was still around and that I could still hold his hand even if I couldn't keep his heart. Maybe it was knowing that I still had this amazing man and mentor as a friend.

I honestly didn't know what it was and I really didn't try to find out.

Instead I just took each step and kept up with him, nodding my head at any other guardians we saw as we navigated our way to Lissa's office. I figured that we would let go once we approached the large wooden doors, but he didn't try to loosen his grip and I wouldn't have let him if he did.

We didn't bother knocking before entering. I know it would be polite too and that as the queen you had to give her some notice but we didn't, I just pulled open the doors and walked in with Dimitri close by. I didn't expect there to be so many people - officials especially - in the room, or else maybe I would've cleaned myself up a little bit more.

I watched their eyebrows raise as they took me and Dimitri in, studying our tense expression and interlocked fingers. I knew many disapproved, they thought we didn't deserve to have relationships and maybe for the first time, they were right. Maybe if I had listen to them from the start, if I had avoided a relationship like guardians were supposed to, then I wouldn't feel the pain that I did now and importantly, neither would Dimitri.

I briefly thought about letting go of his hand, knowing that the scrutiny we were getting was indication that we should, but I wouldn't loosen my grip. I wanted to hold on for as long as I could because I knew that after this meeting, I would have to let go forever and that terrified the hell out of me. I could deal with the looks so long as I got a few more moments holding onto his hand.

"Your majesty," Dimitri greeted formally, knowing it was necessary with all of these people watching. We both bowed slightly before Dimitri led us over to an open spot on the luxurious leather couches that sat adjacent to the filled ones. "What happened?" He asked once we were both seated.

I studied everyone in the room for an indication, wanting to prepare myself for positive or negative news. They all seemed impassive as they sat there, each representative from the council, along with Hans and a few other court officials. Christian was there also, standing next to Lissa who sat in the large leather chair behind a mahogany desk.

Lissa kept her regal face on, not giving anything away yet and it was times like these where I longed for the bond. I wanted the insider information that would help me form an opinion and decide how to act. I wanted to know what was happening so that I could judge the plan, hell, so I could come up with a plan that might actually work.

I thought that since Lissa wasn't giving anything away just yet that Christian might, to me he had become an open book if you learned his tells. If it was good news Christian would act professional but still nonchalant, but if it was negative? Well Christian would look determined and ready to jump in if he was needed. But Christian wasn't acting either way, he wasn't determined or carefree, he looked hardened and miserable which was something that I hadn't seen before. Which meant that his was very bad news.

"As you all know, Natasha Ozera's trial has been postponed for the last several months on account of the court." Lissa announced, standing slowly and trying not to look at Christian as she did. In fact, she tried not to look at anyone in particular and I knew it was because she was afraid they might see how much this killed her. As queen she had to be strong and rule with an iron fist or whatever, which meant making hard decisions like condemning people to death. She didn't want to have Tasha's trial, if she could, Lissa would push it back forever.

But she knew that was inhumane and unfair. Tasha deserved to be put out of her misery and the late queen deserved justice. No one wanted it to happen but it had to eventually. They couldn't keep Tasha locked in that basement cell forever, leaving her to waste away until there was no life to condemn.

"Her trial has been officially set for November 13th at nine." Lissa announced, her voice set. That was three days from now, in three days this entire thing would be behind us forever and Tasha would be dead. "This date will not be moved for any reason and I except that no one will hear about it until that morning. I don't want an audience for this."

I think everyone knew that this meeting was dispersed now, Lissa didn't have to dismiss anyone, they all just knew it was time to leave. The brief meeting had lasted only minutes but the information had been crucial, this was the final chapter to the story that had ruled our lives for months. This was the end of what had been a crazy year for all of us, which started last fall when the guardians had brought Lissa and I back from Portland.

"Three days." I said when everyone else had left, Dimitri and I still sat with our hands interlocked on the couch, while Christian and Lissa stayed frozen near her desk. It sounded so final and yet brought up so many questions, like who would come to testify and whether the courtroom would be packed like it had for my hearing and Tasha's previous one.

There were no questions on whether Tasha would get off innocent, not when all the evidence was already stacked against her and there was a plea of guilt. She and everyone else knew that she was going to be sentenced to death, now it was just a matter of going throughout he formalities.

"What will happen?" I asked, seeing as no one else was going to. I needed to know the answers to these questions, I needed to know who would be taking the stand and what they were going to say. It wouldn't make a difference at this point, but I still needed to know.

"Tasha will be escorted to the court, she will be given a lawyer and asked to plead." Lissa began, moving closer to Christian who still wore that hardened expression on his face. I knew she felt guilty for this, like she was the one responsible for everything that was happening but it wasn't her fault, she didn't make Tasha commit treason. This was Tasha's fault and no one else's, no one deserved to feel guilty for what would happen next. "Then everyone involved will take the stand."

"When you say everyone…" I trailed off, knowing that three important people who played cognitive roles were on the other side of the country. Would they be excused from the trial and exempt from testifying or would we like…Skype them?

"Everyone." Lissa confirmed, her eyes flickering from mine to where my hand was locked in Dimitri's. "You, Christian, Dimitri, Mikhail, Sydney, Eddie and Adrian. They will all be brought in to testify."


	6. I close my eyes and pretend I'm alright

AN: This ones a little shorter then usual but it's one of those transition chapters, like the calm before the storm, you know? So I hope you guys like it, please read and review. Let me know what you thinks gonna happen!

Disclaimer: I do not own VA or BL

* * *

**Adrian's Point Of View**

The room had a slight tilt to it.

I knew it wasn't actually on the angle and everything wasn't balancing on an awkward precipice. But there was a tilt.

I knew it was from the alcohol, after drinking as much as I had, I was surprised the room wasn't upside-down. I knew by tomorrow everything would be and not in a literal, I'm so hungover everything is spinning and I don't know which way is up, kind of upside-down. I knew that something was going to happen, something that was going to shake us was going to happen.

You could call it a feeling or you could just blame this premonition on the brandy, but something was going to happen.

The proof was in the hushed and frustrated way that Eddie spoke into his cellphone, or the way that Jill had started staring into space or the way Sydney had begun answering and transferring phone calls like a receptionist. Something major was happening but I was too drunk to care, I could only just feel it happening around me.

Besides, I figured it didn't have anything to do with me anyway. I expected that it all had something to do with some problem miles and miles away, nothing that directly effected us here in sunny California. Because nothing ever effected us here in California, it's like we were in our own personal bubble of safety.

That is until my cell phone started ringing.

It sat on the table in front of me, face down and on vibrate. Throughout the day it had buzzed slightly, signally that I had a few text messages but then suddenly it started buzzing like mad.

I think that's when I really clued in that this was serious. I had few friends here in California and the people I did spend time tended just to text, I only ever got phone calls from the three other people in this room.

I could see the way that Sydney momentarily gave up her receptionist job, how Eddie's voice faltered slightly and how Jill's eyes darted to the ringing phone that things had just become serious. There was something happening, but it wasn't just miles away like I thought, it was effecting us here in California.

I debated not answering the phone, I was intoxicated after all and this was serious business. Besides, I didn't want to burst the safety bubble of California just yet. I knew as soon as I picked up my phone, whatever problem that Eddie and Sydney were already dealing with would now be my responsibility too and I don't know if I could handle anymore responsibility.

So I just watched it vibrate loudly against the table, waiting for it to finally stop. And when it did I felt a sense of peace, until the annoying buzzing began again.

When I made no move to answer it, Sydney reached over and picked it up, putting it to her ear. Leave it to Sage to be responsible and never let a phone go unanswered.

"Adrian Ivashkov's phone." She responded primly, I just watched with squinted eyes as she listened for the response of whoever was on the line. "Mr. Ivashkov is indisposed at the moment, may I ask who's calling?" Clearly whoever was calling was important because Sydney's golden eyes widened and she bit her lip before murmuring an okay and extending the phone out to me.

"I don't want it!" I hissed and smacked her hand away. Her eyes widened impossibly further and she looked like she might combust if I didn't answer the phone, she extended it back out to me and mouthed for me to take it.

With an eye roll and a heavy sigh I grabbed the phone, pressing it to my ear as I leaned back and let the room tilt further. Whoever was on the phone better be important because this was killing whatever buzz I had.

"Mr. Ivashkov here." I answered, mostly just to mock Sydney who was still staring at me with those wide eyes.

"Is that what you go by now?" the voice on the other line asked, slightly amused but still all business. I recognized the voice immediately and understood why Sydney's eyes had gone so wide once she realized who she was talking too. The voice on the line was one I knew well, one that I heard in my dreams and had been a huge part of my old life.

"You're one to talk," I smiled slightly, thankful that I was hearing from her. "Queen Vasilisa."

**Rose's Point Of View**

He was so close - so impossibly close.

I stood in Lissa's office with the phone pressed to my ear, listening to Eddie while Lissa stood a few feet away, on the phone with Adrian. It was insane how close he was, how if I wanted I had the ability to make Eddie pass him the phone or reach over and grab Lissa's. Adrian was within reach even though he was all the way across the country, even though he was so far.

But I couldn't bring myself to do either, I couldn't force him to talk to me on the phone and honestly I didn't want to. If I were to talk to Adrian again I would want it to be in person, I would want to be able to see his green eyes and feel his warmth, I would want to run my fingers through his hair. I would want to be able to apologize and let him see that I meant it, know that it was sincere and that he was the only thing I've thought about for months. I would want to see the look on his face when I told him I loved him.

I also didn't want to do it over the phone right now because I was still holding onto Dimitri, who had left with Christian to distract him from all the trial madness. I would want to be free from Dimitri with no ties before I even though about proclaiming my love for Adrian. Because if I did it when I was still technically with Dimitri then it would be just as bad as when I cheated on Adrian, it would be like making the same mistake over and over again.

And I couldn't do that to either men, not again.

"How is he?" I whispered into the phone, watching as Lissa hushed her conversation. I didn't have to elaborate on the he I meant, Eddie picked up quickly. There was some silence on the end of the line and I figured it was because Eddie was assessing Adrian and then wondering how much to tell me and what to edit.

"Honestly?" Eddie asked in a hushed voice, the sound of his footsteps all that could be heard for a moment. "He was doing really well, he had been making a lot of progress up until last night. Now? Well I don't think this trial is going to help him get back to doing well…" He trailed off at the end and I knew what he was really saying, Eddie was telling me that flying Adrian across the country to testify about an event that changed and turned his life upside down wouldn't help him with all the moving on he'd been doing.

He was telling me that being near me, watching me with Dimitri and talking in front of everyone about how participated in the case, would probably send Adrian back into a spiral.

"Maybe he shouldn't come then, maybe none of you should." The more I thought about it, the more sense it made. Of course I wanted all of them here, I wanted to see him again and actually spend some time with them, I wanted them to be able to come home and feel safe and alive. I wanted to talk with them, to hear about Palm Springs, to know that they were happy.

But that wasn't for the best, dragging them back to Pennsylvania to talk about one of the most pivotal moments in our life, to testify against someone we used to trust and help condemn her to death. That wasn't the best and neither was brining them near me, I was partly to blame for what happened to them and why they had all been sent across the country. If they had never been involved with me, if I had never asked them for favours or dragged them across the line, then none of them would be in Palm Springs right now.

They would be here, they would be home.

"We have to." Eddie answered back into the receiver, his voice strong and determined. "We were involved and we need to give all the facts and even if we could be exempt, we would want to be there for Christian and for Tasha. Besides Adrian will be fine, he'll sober up and it might be good for him to see his friends again. And Jill misses court like crazy and her mother, coming back will be good for both of them."

I wasn't going to argue with him, if Eddie thought it was whats best then I wouldn't undermine or contradict him. Eddie was their protector and guardian, he knew what was best for his charges and he wouldn't allow them to come if he didn't think it was the absolute best thing.

"What about you?" I asked, unsure of his feelings in all this. I knew guardians were supposed to check their feelings and emotions at the door when it came to business, but that didn't mean that we felt completely nothing. Eddie had an opinion about this and I just hoped that coming back to court was a good thing for him too.

"I'm looking forward to coming back," He told me and I could tell that he was genuine about it. He had friends here too and I knew that he must've missed catching up with them. "I wish it was under better circumstances but it will still be good to see everyone, especially you Hathaway."

"I can't wait to see you either." I smiled, feeling a pang in my chest at how much I missed him. I knew that growing up and becoming a guardian was going to be hard, I knew that I wouldn't get to see many of my friends often and that there were things I would have to sacrifice - I had learned the last part the hard way. But I never expected it to be this hard, I guess it's because I used to think I was immune or something, maybe I thought I was invincible to those types of feelings.

In school they had installed us with the thoughts that we weren't invincible, that we weren't immune and that we could easily be hurt or killed. We heard it in every lesson, the guardians would tell us that in a blink something could happen that might threaten our charge and we would be expected to defend no matter what, we were expected to die for our charges regardless of the circumstances. I hadn't minded the thought of dying for Lissa because I loved her, I actually didn't mind the thought of dying for any moroi because it was the right thing to do.

But along with a short life and quick death, we were also always being told that our lives would be dedicated to protecting. We had the idea that we wouldn't have social lives, that our vacation time - if we chose to take it - would be short and that the relationships we had would be distant. I never really believed that, not when I had already built such strong relationships with so many people, I never imagined that they would just vanish like that. I always just thought everyone was exaggerating.

But now I knew that they weren't.

With so many of the people I had grown up with scattered around the world, living their lives or protecting ones they'd sworn too, I knew that all my teachers had been right. Guardians didn't have relationships and moroi only had alliances, things weren't like they were in school.

And we weren't the exceptions like I thought.


	7. When oblivion is calling out your name

****AN: Here's another bridge chapter, all the exciting stuff is soon to come, I promise! Please read and review, I love to hear what you think!

Disclaimer: I do not own VA or BL

* * *

**Rose's Point Of View**

It would be an understatement to say that the days leading up to the trial were intense.

We had only three days to prepare everything and those three days were filled with meetings, plans and lawyers. Everyone had been prepped with a lawyer although I had initially refused, figuring that if Abe sat in as a lawyer when I was on trial then really anyone could qualify. But when I saw the stress on everyone's face when I made snippy comments about not needing a Harvard degree to answer questions then I promptly shut up and listened. If there was ever a time to keep my smart ass comments to myself, it was during these three days.

So I sat silently through meetings with the lawyers, going over my statements and debriefing with what exactly would happen once we entered the court room. And when I wasn't sitting in my own meetings with lawyers, then I was sitting in on Lissa's meetings on court room etiquette and her role as the queen during the trial.

I knew that she was nervous. In the months since Lissa's coronation she had preformed exceptionally as queen, following the protocol properly and gaining respect which was her main goal. She had strategically planned out what needed to be done, Lissa had a plan but before she could carry it out she needed to make sure she had the support. Lissa was a promising queen, the ruler of the dragons and Alexandra incarnate, but she still had people who wanted to see her fall.

It's why Jill was in Palm Springs, because she was still the only thing allowing Lissa to keep the crown. And Jill would stay in Palm Springs until Lissa could abolish the quorum law, which Lissa couldn't do until she had an adequate amount of supporters. Lissa couldn't do a lot of what she wanted, couldn't change certain rules or change our world until she had the support.

And so most of Lissa's days consisted of her making alliances, forming relationships and making deals. She spent most of her days meeting people, socializing and changing smaller laws. Lissa had yet to do something of this magnitude, the biggest thing she had done since her coronation was hold a smaller council meeting, so this was huge for her.

All eyes would be on Lissa as she conducted the courtroom and Lissa wanted to make sure she did everything perfectly. She didn't want to make any mistakes or not know something, she needed to be prepared.

"Ask me to name a rule of law," I grumbled to Lissa after the lawyers left and it was just us in her office. I had stopped standing against the wall like a proper guardian and instead was now flopped on the leather couch. "I bet I could tell you the page AND the section it's under."

This was my attempt at cheering Lissa up, because I knew that this was hard. God, I felt the weight of everything on my shoulders, I could only imagine how it felt on hers. She was the queen and had a woman's life in her hands, not to mention it was a former friend and the woman who raised her boyfriend. But Lissa only looked at me, her jade eyes wide and empty, like all the life had been sucked out of her.

That was a terrifying thought, one that often took my breath away whenever it was on my mind. I often lay awake wondering if she could survive this, if she could rule as queen and still be the same old Lissa. I'd like to believe that she could, that she would rule with an iron fist by day and by night she would be back to being soft, sweet Lissa. But more often then not, that isn't what happened.

Lissa carried the stresses of her day into the evening, unable to turn off her worry or responsibility. She often stayed up late in her office, going over paperwork and files, trying to figure out where to go from here.

I was often the one who stayed up with her, either watching silently from the permitter of the dark office or standing over her shoulder, trying to convince her to get some sleep and that everything would still be here in the morning. Sometimes she would nod her head in defeat before heaving her tired body up and down the hall to her room, other times it took a bit more convincing and sometimes when it was really bad, I had to call Christian in to help me drag her to bed.

And it was those nights when I felt the most guilty, when I often hung around royal housing because I couldn't bring myself to leave. I was too wrapped up in the thoughts of how much easier things would've been if I had never escaped from jail. I may be dead right now if I had stayed, but things would've been easier for everyone else, they wouldn't be exiled to Palm Springs or in a loveless relationship or on the verge of cracking under all this pressure.

Hell, things would've been easier if I had never broken Victor out of Tarasov, if I had never gone to Russia or if I had never gone to Spokane. Things would have been a hell of a lot easier had I just never come back to St. Vladamirs at all. I spent nights just thinking about how much better the lives around me would be had I just stayed away, if instead of fighting Kirova when she tried kicking me out - just let her.

Natalie would still be alive if I had, same with Mason and all the others who died in the attack against . Not to mention all the people who would still have their jobs like the guardians at the resort, the guardians at Tarasov and lots who'd been demoted at guardian headquarters. Then there were my friends who's lives actually would've stayed on track had I not dragged them into my impossible plans.

I was a one woman wrecking ball and everyone knew it.

"This will be over soon." I sighed, trying to ignore the guilt that I felt over everyone's fate. It wasn't my responsibility to feel this way, I tried to convince myself that it was out of my hands and that it was meant to happen. I never really believed in destiny but for the sake of my sanity, I had to force myself to believe that all this was happening for a reason. "Eddie, Jill and Adrian will be flying in late tomorrow and then the trial will start the day after. We can have a calm night with them and then everything will be okay."

"No." Lissa told me, her voice filled with strength although it looked like her body had become a rag doll. I gave her a peculiar look, motioning for her to explain. "No we're not going to see them. I don't want to see Jill and you shouldn't want to see Adrian."

I tilted my head and raised my eyebrows in surprise, although none of this was really a shock. Jill may be Lissa's half sister but they couldn't be more distant from one another. Part of that is because Jill had to be moved across the country for protection and Lissa was often busy attending to queen business, but it was also because each of the sisters didn't really want to fill the void between them.

Lissa could never see a sister when she looked at Jill, she could never see a sibling because Jill was just a reminder of her father's infidelity. Whenever she looked at Jill all she could see was how her father betrayed her family and that to her was practically unforgivable. She didn't want to have that prejudice against her, but it was impossible not to see whenever Jill looked at her with her jade eyes - the ones her father gave them both.

And Jill was just too timid and afraid to ever try for a relationship with Lissa. Jill didn't want to be a princess - just like Lissa had never wanted to be one either - it was just a burden they had to carry because their older siblings couldn't take the role. Given the choice, Jill would still be back in her tiny room at , being a normal moroi. But she didn't have that choice anymore, she didn't have any choices about her life now. And I think she held Lissa responsible for that.

And the Adrian thing, well that was self explanatory.

"She's you're sister, you're going to have to see her at some point." I tried to reason, deciding that we should tackle the whole Jill thing before moving on to the impossible black hole situation which is the Adrian thing. "At least ask her how exile is going in Palm Springs."

It was Lissa's turn to tilt her head, her eyes narrowing at the word "exile". She hated whenever I referred to our friends in Palm Springs being there because they were banned or thrown out or exiled from court. She never denied that they were there for that reason but she hated whenever I blatantly said it, whether it's because she knew it was the truth or she felt guilty for being the one who sent them there.

"She's not even supposed to be coming back, it's too dangerous." Lissa sighed, more stress about the safety of Jill and the crown got added to the pile. "If anyone finds out she's here then who knows what will happen or what the renegades will do. She is going to stay in royal housing for the duration of the trial and then I'm putting her on the next flight out."

I opened my mouth to argue with her, wanting to tell her that she shouldn't lock Jill away and that she should actually spend some time with her sister. I wanted to encourage Lissa to try and form a relationship with Jill, because having a sister was another chance to have the family that she tragically lost. I wanted to tell her that Jill was a great girl and actually reminded me a lot of Lissa.

But then I saw that tired and empty look in her jade eyes and I immediately sealed my lips. Lissa didn't want a relationship with Jill and I couldn't force her to have one.

But she also couldn't force me not to see Adrian.

"Fine, don't see Jill." I told her nonchalantly, like it was easily escaped from my mind. "But we are visiting Eddie and Adrian." I told her firmly, levelling my gaze with hers. Lissa may be the queen and ruler of the moroi people, but she did not control what I did and she could not dictate who I could and could not see. Lissa was in no way a dictator and she didn't let the power of being a ruler go to her head, but I knew she wanted me t stay away from Adrian for everyone's sake but I wasn't sure if I could do that. I wasn't sure I could sit back and let him just pass by, I wasn't sure if I could let him slip through my fingers again.

"How are you and Dimitri?" Liss asked abruptly, her eyebrows raising like she already knew the answer. I just pursed my lips, not wanting this to turn into a grudge match but expecting it might. "I mean, you seemed ok when you walked into the office the other day. But you rarely talk about him, don't show affection like you used to and I know that he visits Tasha more then he lets on."

I gritted my teeth and said nothing for a while, I knew what she was doing. She was trying to prove to me that my feelings for Dimitri had begun to fade and that it was obvious to everyone, she was trying to show me that once I got a guy I no longer desired them like before. We had talked about that briefly before - my revolving door of relationships but we never talked about it in depth because it had never really been an issue, not like this.

"What do you want me to say Lissa?" I asked, my voice was intense as I spoke and my eyes bore into hers. She was leaned against her desk that was stacked high with papers and she looked worn out, like everything that had happened since her coronation was weighing down on her. "Do you want me to admit it? To tell you that I don't love Dimitri anymore? Do you want me to tell you that I'm only with him because being miserable together is the only thing better than being apart? Do you want me to honestly admit where my heart belongs? Because something tells me you won't want to hear the answer."

By her radio silence and the way she averted her eyes I knew that I was right. Lissa didn't want to hear that I was in love with somebody else - especially the somebody that I had called for - she wanted me to sigh and talk about Dimitri. She wanted me to admit that things had been rough lately and but that we were Rose and Dimitri, that we would eventually overcome it. She wanted to hear that I was going to fight for what I had with Dimitri, instead of accepting defeat.

I knew Lissa wanted to hear those words because I desperately wanted to say them.

I didn't want to cave and admit defeat, I didn't want to walk away from my relationship with Dimitri, not after I spent the entire year fighting for it. It seemed so impossible that we had made it through barriers - like immortality and being wanted fugitives - only to give up so easily because of what? Loss of interest, lack of common hobbies? It seemed so ridiculous that we could overcome a year's worth of tragedy, only to crumble at something so trivial.

The irony of the situation was almost too much to handle, it was practically unfathomable.


	8. Without You

**AN:** I sincerely suggest all of you go and check out Ingrid Michaelson's - Without You because it's the inspiration that got me out of my writers block and will probably push the rest of this story. It's a beautiful song by the way!

Disclaimer: All rights to Ms. Mead

* * *

**Adrian's Point Of View**

I gripped the arm rest of my seat firmly, my fingers turning white as I leaned my head back and tried to relax. It was practically impossible to do so, not when I knew that we were so close to landing back in Pennsylvania. Not when I could feel the distance closing, when I could practically feel the proximity to all the people I had left behind - who had sent me away.

The last few days leading up to our departure were torturous. They were filled with Sage constantly on the phone with her superiors, trying to figure out a way so that she wouldn't have to go to court. She also secretly tried to make it so that I wouldn't have to go either, she didn't outright say it but she discreetly suggested it and I was thankful for that, I never let on that I knew that's what she was doing. I think it was better for both of us if we pretended we didn't do nice things for each other, if we kept our friendship a little bit in the shadows - because she was an alchemist and I was still madly in love with Rose.

The days were also filled with trying to make arrangements for Jill. Lissa had made it obvious that she rather her estranged sister stay back in Palm Springs with Sydney, preferring her safe and as far away from this trial as possible. I felt for Jill during the last few days, sitting there while everyone argued where she should go and who she should be passed off to - I knew it made her feel like she was just a pawn. I tried to send her positive thoughts through the bond and cheer her up but I wasn't sure how well it was working.

The days were also filled with drinking.

Or at least _trying_ to drink. Every time I reached for a bottle of bourbon or scotch, it was always snatched away from me by a quick Castile or hidden by Sage. I knew that they both wanted me sober and at my sharpest, because this after all was a serious and life changing event. But the way I saw it, so long as I wasn't actually drunk when I gave my statement, then there shouldn't be a problem.

But when I tried to explain that to both of them, Sydney just gaped at me and Eddie just shook his head and hid my liquor.

So here I sat, begging for a flight attendant to walk by and offer me a drink. I didn't even care if it was the cheap stuff you could get at sketchy areas of California, I just needed something to settle my mind and soothe my nerves. And that's when I saw it - the flight attendant walking down the aisle - my salvation.

She was just passing my seat when I reached out and lightly grabbed her wrist, giving her a dazzling smile because at this moment, she was the most important person to me. I could tell my gesture startled her and that she was getting ready to object to me grabbing her, but then she looked at me and some of my Spirit charisma and good looks caught her off guard.

"Excuse me Ms," I smiled, laying it on thick. "I was wondering if you could help me with something?" I could practically feel the burn of the alcohol in my throat now and I anticipated the heavy scent, it was enough to make even me happy.

"Of course," She breathed, looking ready to help. I think that's when I realized I was using some spirit on her, that in my desperation I had begun to compel her. That's when I faltered in shocked, when I realized how much of an addict I was - how I was a slave to all of my vices and how desperate I became without them.

The concept was terrifying; knowing you have no control over anything and that you're completely run by something else entirely. You don't make any of your life decisions and if you do, then they're dictated by something in a glass bottle. It induced the deepest type of fear, knowing that you were powerless to the control that it had, that you were ruled by this addiction. The only thing worse, the only thing that made my breathing stop and my blood run stagnant was knowing that I gave into the control, that I never even tried to fight it.

I faltered in that moment, realizing this was what Rose was talking about when she said I never fought for anything, when she told me I just victimized myself. I hadn't understood it at the time, I had thought that I was participating and fighting - I had helped her escape and helped get Lissa crowned for god sakes. But now I really understood, she meant this.

"Nevermind." I told the flight attendant, my eyes staring forward blankly as I brushed her off, although there was nothing more I wanted then to reach back for her hand and beg her for the entire bottle of whatever cheap, watered down liquor they had. I could tell that my change in attitude had thrown her off and she awkwardly continued walking down the aisle while I starred ahead, not feeling guilty about the way I dismissed her.

"You didn't ask for a drink." A voice stated me, causing my eyes to flicker to my left and my mind to stop swirling slightly. Eddie was staring at me with a curious expression, almost as if I had done something baffling or amazing, like pulled a rabbit from a hat (okay, that wasn't the best analogy but I was mentally strained, so it would do).

"I wasn't thirsty." I responded, mildly amused at his surprise. I knew what everyone thought of me, I knew that even my friends in Palm Springs knew I was a drunk with little ambition and that they didn't think much else. I knew that everyone expected little to nothing of me, that they shrugged off my choices and words, saying "just Adrian" whenever I did anything.

"Good," Eddie responded, still seeming a little caught off guard. "I thought I was going to have to make up some big story about how you were an alcoholic, or drink it for you." He laughed and I managed a small smile, still too caught up in my own mind to really hear any of what he was saying.

He said something else afterward but I didn't hear it and I didn't care enough to ask him to repeat it.

**Rose's Point Of View**

I drummed my fingers on the steering wheel as I waited in the airport parking lot. My eyes kept shifting around, looking for any sign of my team or my friends, seeing as I was banned to the stupid car. I know I shouldn't complain except that I was beyond annoyed that I had been exiled to sit in the SUV while everyone else got to run point on this mission. It wasn't even a stupid mission, it was an escort and I wasn't even allowed to walk into the stupid airport.

I understood it I guess, they knew that my presence wasn't exactly welcomed around Adrian, it wasn't a secret that we had a rocky relationship and a turmoil ending. I understood that they didn't want unnecessary tension but it was still beyond annoying. What was I going to do anyway? Start a fight with him in the middle of the airport, even I was more professional than that and after everything that's happened, you think others would notice that I was too.

But no, I was told to wait in the car and not leave under any circumstances. When Hans told me that I opened my mouth to protest, but he gave me a look as if to say that he didn't want to hear it and Dimitri just smirked at me before he left to go get Eddie, Jill and Adrian - which to me seemed unfair. If I was forced to sit in the car then he should be too, seeing as he was just as involved with these people as I was.

Stupidly unfair, I thought until I saw the group of guardians walking out of the airport entrance. They were discrete as always as they split into three groups, taking Eddie in one, Jill in another and Adrian in the last as they led them over to the SUVs waiting.

I couldn't help myself in that moment, I know I was supposed to wait in the car but I found myself unbuckling my seat belt and opening the door. I couldn't just sit there, I needed to say something to show them that I was there, that I missed them and that everything would be okay. My feet hit the pavement and I darted around the front of the SUV so that I was in plain view.

I knew from the moment that I unbuckled my seat belt that it was stupid, that I was being just as reckless and irresponsible as I always had been. I knew that me standing in front of the SUV was far less helpful than being in the driver's seat, ready to drive away in a moments notice. I knew that I was disobeying orders and that there would be repercussions.

I knew all this but I didn't care.

None of it mattered, not when I could see my friends again. Not when I could wrap them in my arms and promise them that this all would be okay. Not when I could apologize for having them dragged into this never ending mess again.

Nothing mattered because they were finally home.

"Hathaway!" Hans barked. Even from meters away I could tell that he was pissed and that he wanted me to go back, but I just ignored him because I didn't care what he wanted me to do.

I didn't bother turning back like I should have, instead I sped forward to the cluster of guardians who were prepared to deal with any waiting threats. I pushed passed them and ignored their condescending voices that told me to turn back and I threw my arms around my surprised and jet lagged friends…well two of them anyway.

Jill and Eddie were standing there.

Eddie had purposefully merged his escorts with hers when they started to break away, he was dedicated to her and wouldn't stop protecting her just because there were other guardians around. That just wasn't something Eddie would do, it wouldn't matter if they were in the safest place in the world, Eddie would never stop watching over her.

But Adrian didn't fight his cluster of guardians, he let them guide him towards his awaiting SUV. I knew that had he seen me, but he didn't care or bother to stop. I watched as he darted inside, taking refuge behind the tinted windows and not bothering to look back. I willed him to turn back, to open the doors back up and come back to our waiting convoy.

But I knew that he never would.

So instead of wasting precious time waiting for something that would never happen, I turned back to Eddie and Jill, pulling them in tightly.

"I've missed you so much." I whispered, never wanting to let go of them.

"We've missed you too."


	9. Give me love like never before

**AN: **I seriously hope you guys checked out that song! Here's another one for you, trust me its going to start getting intense from here on out.

Disclaimer: All rights to Mead

* * *

**Rose's Point of View**

Lissa had grudgingly agreed to host a dinner for everyone the night before the trial. I knew that she hadn't wanted to, that she rather have pretended that Jill wasn't back and prepared herself for the impending court date, which also felt like impending doom. But with my persuading and Christian's agreement, we had convinced Liss that it was a good idea.

Of course, in retrospect maybe dinner wasn't such a great idea.

I stood in my kitchen, dressed in a black bandage dress with my hair in loose curls, tapping my fingers on the counter. I was nervous about this evening, I didn't know what to expect with anyone attending. I missed everyone but there was a reason why each of them had left and those reasons didn't just go away over time, they were still there and still in plain sight.

Everyone thought Jill had left because of her protection, which was partially true. But she was also sent away because Lissa couldn't bare the thought of looking into those identical jade eyes and seeing what they stood for. Lissa couldn't constantly be reminded that her father, whom she loved dearly and held on a pedestal, had actually had an affair with a vegas show girl.

Jill was an illegitimate child, born out of grief and bad decisions. She was a product of lies and deception, covered up by an entire group of moroi. She was the evidence that the Dragomir family wasn't as perfect and pristine as they were always believed to be.

Jill was sent away because no one wanted a souvenir of something like that.

Everyone believed that Eddie was sent with Jill because he was one of the few people trusted to protect her, which was entirely true. But it wasn't the deciding factor as to why he left. The real reason they allowed Eddie to accompany and protect Jill on the coast was because he had killed a moroi and that was the worst crime you could commit in our world - well, one of the worst.

It was for Lissa's protection and he had tried to subdue the man but Eddie had to kill him, there was no other way around that. And people understood that, he received a pardon from any sentence or punishment after several interrogations, but he was still branded. Eddie was still known as a killer and not of strigoi's or dangers, but of moroi - the people we were sworn to protect.

So rather then having to deal with it, they decided just to send him away and forget.

Much like they decided to do with Adrian, of course there were many stories as to why he left. There was the story that we told him, which was that now he had a bond mate and needed to stay near Jill for safety purposes. There was the story that his father and close relatives told, which was that Adrian had finally gone to study abroad and learn the business traits, finally maturing while still enjoying opulence. Then were the rumours that spread across court like wildfire, people whispering that he had gone back to Vegas to blow the family fortune, that he was somewhere in Europe where he could join mobsters like my father or that he was scouring the world for his mother and the place of her incarceration.

And then there was the real reason that he left - because he had nothing to stay for.

His Aunt had been murdered, his mother in prison and his father wanted nothing to do with him and neither did many of his relatives. He and I had broken up, many of his friends were busy with their bright and promising futures and he had no future at court. All he did was party and cause scenes, he continually did what he did from the start - which was whatever he wanted.

Except now, he had no one there to look after him or clean up after him. Adrian was a mess and no one had the time to be there for him and so like Eddie and Jill, instead of actually dealing with the problem at the source, the decided just send him away.

And just because you send the problem on a plane and avoid talking or thinking about it, doesn't mean that the problem really went away. It just means that you're in denial, that you can't accept that there is a deeper issue that needs to be exposed. Pretending a problem doesn't exist doesn't mean that it will magically be solved or disappear, it just means you don't have to watch as it eventually starts to get bigger until its impossible to ignore any longer.

In the months that they've been away, nothing has gotten any better.

In fact, from what I heard from Jill's phone call about Adrian and what Eddie had filled me in on during the ride back to court, things have slowly just gotten worse.

"Ready?" Dimitri asked, his voice low as usual. I turned back to look at him and noticed not for the first time, how handsome he was. He was wearing dark jeans and his boots, with a light blue button down that complimented his tanned skin while his dark hair was loose around his chin. He was a beautiful man and honestly breathtaking, I just wished that he still gave me butterflies like he used to.

"Yeah, ready." I smiled wistfully, sliding my feet into my heels and grabbing my purse as Dimitri led me towards the door. Neither of us said anything or complimented each other on how good we looked, we just both kept to ourselves as we walked across court in silence until we reached royal housing.

Once we began walking through the familiar hallways, I felt us warming up a bit more and beginning to put on the facade that we often fell into whenever we were forced to attend things like this. It wasn't often and we don't put on a show like the moroi did, we didn't pretend to be in love or share any type of gossip about our lives. We acted sincere and polite, like the friends we had become lately, we didn't bring any of the coldness to the event.

"I hope they serve good food." I grumbled, scrunching my nose at the food we had eaten last time, which was tiny portions of squab or something awkward sounding. I wanted a greasy burger and fries but I knew that was out of the question, the royal caters always served the food, I could only have hoped that Lissa put in a decent request.

As we approached the smaller dinning room, I could hear voices. I knew that Lissa had chosen the smaller area because she often said it was more intimate and less formal, that we didn't need all the room that the grand hall offered. I also knew it was because she didn't want to go all out for tonight because this wasn't a celebratory dinner, they weren't back on good terms and they weren't here permanently.

She didn't want to make this a big deal or event and I didn't push her to make it one. Although I just hoped she wasn't wearing sweat pants and acting like this wasn't an occasion.

"Looks like we're the last ones." Dimitri smiled, as he put his hand on the door knob and gestured for me to enter.

**Adrian's Point Of View**

Dinner was the last place I wanted to be.

I didn't want to sit in my Aunt's old house, at the oak table with people talking politely and idly. I rather stay in my room and drink, but I knew that wasn't an option, especially after my realization on the plane. I knew that I needed to fight against the urge to grab a scotch or a brandy, I needed to fight not to have a cigarette.

And although I didn't want to be at dinner, it was the best place for me now.

I needed to surround myself with people, because then I would be accountable for my choices. I couldn't hollow up in my room alone or find other people to be with, because then I would just drift off into a haze and allow myself that drink. I would let the amber liquid soothe my mind, my soul.

I would stop fighting, I would let everything go just for that one drink.

So dinner was not an option.

"Everyone's almost here." Lissa smiled, running her hands along the hem of her mint coloured dress that complimented her fair hair and skin. She was always beautiful but now there was something else to her, a regal type of radiance that she didn't have and that I didn't notice in our dreams. She had this air and this glow that all Spirit users had but now it was like hers was magnified and it was mesmerizing to watch.

"Who's left?" Jill asked, as if we all didn't already know. As if to punctuate her question, the door opened and in stepped Rose and Belikov.


	10. Will you stay with me my love

**AN: **Am I on a roll or what? So here is where the actual plot of the story is being introduced, you know the whole driving force and reason why this story is going to eventually be the death of me?

I really hope it surprises you guys, I know I was kind of surprised when I came up with it... it's really unexpected...well I guess it's expected just not from the person you would think... it will make sense after you read, I promise.

Disclaimer: All rights to Mead

* * *

**Rose's Point Of View**

"Dinner was a really stupid idea." He sighed, pinching the bridge of his nose and clenching his eyes shut. He was partially turned away from me but I could still see the tension that practically radiated off him. He was right, dinner was a really stupid idea but I couldn't apologize for instigating it - for instigating any of what happened - because it served it's purpose.

He was here now, standing right in front of me. So close that I could reach out and touch him, could put my hand on his chest and stand on my toes and kiss him. He was that close and after the months of distance, the months of longing, that was all I wanted to do.

"Yeah, well," I began, my defences going up and my lips uncontrollably opening like they always did for a snappy comment. "At least the food was good."

I watched his eyes open slowly and he looked at me dryly. It was almost familiar, he was almost looking at me like he always did whenever we had witty banter, except now it was humourless. Adrian's eyes weren't keen and fun loving like they used to be, he wasn't as careless as he used to be, there was a seriousness to him now.

I hated making the connection but it actually reminded me a lot of Dimitri. That strong, soldiery and pensive way that he looked at me was the same way that Dimitri often looked at the rest of the world lately, almost as if he was ready to take it on all by himself.

It was the hardened stare of someone who had seen way too much and lost far too much. It was the eyes of someone who felt so many emotions and had too many feelings that they couldn't express. It was the look of someone who felt passionately about something and was willing to fight for it, even if no one else would help them.

I knew that expression well, I had been known to wear it a few times and I often saw it on Dimitri's features.

It would be beautiful and haunting if it wasn't so uncharacteristic of him. Adrian had a brilliant way of looking at the world, sometimes it was dark and twisted but usually it was in his loving and artistic way. He saw things in a completely different light then most people, he often shed light on things that I rather have stayed in the dark. Adrian could see things that many could not, but he always tinged them in his light.

So this change was enough to throw me off. How could someone be sent away with one perspective and come back with a completely different set of eyes?

I knew the answer to that. Hell, I didn't even have to ask that question. Not to be cliched but if I had a dime for every time that I had left and come back with new views and mindsets, then I would at least have enough pocket change to buy Lissa a few new pieces of silverware. Actually, probably not, I had a feeling even the forks we were dining with tonight cost more than my house but that was besides the point.

"All food to you is considered good food." Adrian shot back, but not with the same enthusiasm as he used to. But that was to be expected, just like him coming back after months with a different perspective.

I knew witty banter wouldn't help us get anywhere and it undoubtedly wouldn't make what I was about to say any easier, so I decided that cutting to the chase was probably my best option. I had an idea of how he would react but I wasn't sure, I still had to try anyway.

"Look, I didn't come out here to talk about my appetite-" I began, starting to broach the sensitive topic that was looming in my mind. I needed to ease into it slightly, I couldn't just blurt that I made a mistake and that I still loved him, that I didn't know what I had when I let him walk out of that room months ago. I mean, I could just say that but he might just stand there and stare at me with that look, which would probably just make me ramble.

Sort of like I was doing right now…

"And I don't want to talk to you about that." Adrian cut me off, causing me to wonder if he was actually bring up the topic of our breakup. I pursed my lips together instead of cutting him off with my unprepared speech, deciding that letting him come up with an eloquent wording of what happened was better than me create something. "I want to talk to you about the trial tomorrow."

I couldn't help but feel disappointed. I didn't want to talk about Tasha's trial, that was part of the reason why we had both left the dinner, because things had gotten heated about the trial and a few other things. I wanted to talk about us, or the idea of us and former version of us and possible future of us. I didn't want to talk about Tasha, she was the last thing I wanted to talk about.

"I was thinking; I mean I know she did a horrible thing, trust me I know she did." Adrian began, his eyes cast downwards to the dark grass that looked almost black because of the lack of moonlight. "She murdered someone. She staked my aunt and it's inexcusable and horrible, I know that. But she thought that she was doing the right thing, she thought that she was saving people and that she was restoring our race. Tasha thought that she was doing right by our society, I don't agree about how she went about it but she was trying to be honourable."

I felt my eyebrows raising and my head tilting in curiosity, what was he getting at? He couldn't just be expressing his feelings about Tasha's actions, this seemed like more than that. If he wanted to talk about tomorrow why wouldn't he just confide in Eddie or Jill or Lissa? Why was he telling me this, maybe because even after everything he still trusted me?

"Adrian, I feel the same way…"I began, knowing that Tasha's actions were wrong but her intentions were pure. Tasha had been almost a hero of mine for a while, she was someone in moroi society that I related to and idolized. I thought that she could be the future of the moroi and the vessel of change or whatever. I trusted her and she betrayed that trust, it was heartbreaking but I eventually came to terms with it. Maybe that's what Adrian was finally doing.

"Good." He nodded his head and raised his eyes to meet mine. There was that same haunting look but this time there was a burning intensity in his emerald eyes, he had a blazing inside of him that I had never seen before. "So you understand when I say we have to break her out."

**Adrian's Point Of View**

Everyone knew this dinner would be tense, you had to be deaf, blind and in a coma not to know that. With all the underlying tension between the Dragomir sisters, the looming trial with Tasha Ozera and my turmoil relationship with Rose and Belikov, it was a miracle this dinner was even happening. All this drama seemed better suited for daytime television then a formal dinner, but here we all sat in ironed clothes, making small talk.

It was almost like there was unspoken rules set that everyone immediately knew to abide by. Everyone knew not to ask anything about that linked the sisters as sisters, we all talked about them as separate people with no intertwining pasts. We all knew not to mention Tasha or any of the Ozera family really and especially nothing about court dates. And absolutely no one mention anything about Rose and Belikov's relationship or my past relationship with Rose, we barely acknowledged each other's presence at the table.

These unspoken rules made conversation small and to a minimum, even talking about the school Jill attended in Palm Springs was a touchy subject, because Palm Springs was a touchy subject for me and Jill. Not that we didn't like it there but again, given the choice in the matter we'd both prefer not to be there.

So conversation went on dully, everyone just waiting till there was food so we could actually have an excuse not to be talking. I was just anticipating for this night to be over because sitting here at my aunts table in my old spot, without my aunt was painful. But sitting at this table across from Rose and Belikov in the silence was practically purgatory.

Conversation had hit another lull but finally the royal servers and kitchen staff brought out drinks and appetizers. I assumed Lissa had briefed them on what everyone had wanted to drink and have to eat because they never asked, but as the familiar faces who used to serve my great aunt began setting drinks around the table, I realized that all the glasses were filled with the same liquid, except for one.

The servers all placed crystal glasses with clear liquid around the table, each person glass obviously filled with water. Except when they got to my seat, instead of placing a similar crystal glass filled with water, I was placed with a scotch glass filled with dazzling amber. I sat stonily as the waiter, who I remembered from the times I spent having dinner here, gripped my shoulder.

"Don't worry Lord Ivashkov, we still remember your taste for scotch." He smiled and gave my shoulder a squeeze. I just nodded my head and thanked him for it before turning my attention back to the table. Everyone was watching, some with averted eyes and others more obviously as they waited for me to take a drink.

I'd be lying if I said I didn't want a drink, if I said that my hands weren't shaking to wrap my hands around the glass and my lips were quivering for a taste. I would be lying if I said my throat wasn't burning for it and that my mind didn't crave the relief of that amber liquid. I'd be lying if I said I didn't want the drink.

But I'd also be lying if I said I didn't want to fight.

I didn't want to cave or crumble anymore, I didn't want to take a drink because if I did then I would want another and another, until I finished the bottle. And even then I would seek out something else to ease the madness. I didn't want to stop fighting, I didn't want to continually disappoint myself and the people around me.

I wanted to keep fighting, except that I found myself getting ready to reach for it.

Except before I could any sudden or obvious move, a pale hand snaked out and snatched the drink. Surprised, I looked up to see that the hand was Jill's and that she had brought the drink to her lips. I watched in amusement and admiration as she swallowed the beautiful liquid in a few strong gulps. I would chaste her for not savouring the drink if I wasn't so proud and grateful to her for drinking it for me.

But I guess everyone else didn't feel the same way that I did because their faces were all filled with shock and surprise. Well, everyone except for Eddie's, he had easily caught on to what was happening and I was sure that if Jill hadn't reached for it then he would have.

"Mastrano, did you get sent to a party school or just been spending too much time with Ivashkov?" Christian asked, always the first one to speak. I watched as Jill flushed in embarrassment before returning the glass back to my coaster, completely empty.

"Adrian doesn't drink anymore," She professed quietly, her eyes darting to me and Eddie as if not to say anything. "And I knew that he would feel guilty after the waiter went out of his way to bring him a drink. Just doing him a favour."

"Adrian's a big boy, he can courteously tell a waiter he doesn't drink." Lissa entered, not even bothering to look at her sister as she spoke. Her voice was polite but she was so cold. "We don't need you getting tipsy in exchange for his sobriety."

I watched as Jill hunched her shoulders and looked down, clearly feeling more embarrassed then before. Things with Lissa were already rocky to begin with and Jill had set out tonight, trying not to give her sister another reason to hate her but I could tell from the way her face fell, Jill knew there was nothing she could do to stop Lissa's disapproval. And it wasn't Jill's fault and honestly, it wasn't Lissa's either.

Both had been put in a situation that was beyond their control and they were wading through it best as they can, no one expected them to become best friends in the near future and no one wanted to pressure them. No one knew how either of the girls felt and that's why no one said anything… well except for now.

"C'mon Liss," Rose jumped in, always ready to stand up for the underdog. I watched as Rose smiled at Jill and gave her a wink, wanting to make sure that nothing else got any tenser at the table. "I think we can let it slide, especially since everyone probably needs a drink right about now."

Rose hadn't meant her words as a jab against Lissa, she meant them to soothe the situation and hopefully put some tensions to rest. But with everyone on edge, it was easy to see that her words had the opposite effect. I watched Lissa's eyes narrow as she looked at Rose, who raise her eyebrows at her best friend.

Their bond may have ended months ago, but it was easy to say that the wordless communication between the two still existed. Being best friends and bond mates for so long probably intensified their connection and made understanding one another without words effortless.

Everyone else sat quietly as the food was brought out, intensely watching the pair as they entered what looked like a staring contest while everyone bit their lips in tension. I found myself tuning into their auras to get a better idea of what was happening between the two and when I did I regretted letting Jill have my drink, because it was practically a lightening storm of colours.

It would have made a beautiful painting. That is if I didn't know what all the colours represented and if the storm wasn't a hurricane that was about to engulf the entire room. I knew that the swirling and spiralling colours had been built up for a while, that they were stress and tension, sadness and fear. Neither woman felt like they were right but neither felt like they were wrong, they just felt how we all did really - lost.

And when we're lost we get scared and fearful. Of course we don't want anyone to see the terror, because that would signal weakness and we cannot afford anyone thinking we're weak - friend or enemy. We turn our primal instincts on because that's the only thing we can do, we turn into animals being caged or hunted. We're ready to run from anything or attack anyone that reached out to us, our fight or flight instincts are engaged.

Unfortunately for the group of misfits here, we're all becoming fighters.

We don't stop and think or question, we don't take that second to see if the hand that's reaching out is actually offering us a change to help or guide us or at least make it so we're not alone. We scratch and claw at anything, thinking that we're doing what's right and protecting the people we love, but what if we're just attacking each other?

In our efforts to protect the ones we love, we're really fighting against them.

Isn't that what we're doing with Tasha tomorrow? In an attempt to bring justice to the moroi - to the people we love, to the people who died - we're taking a friend, one who's no longer a danger to anyone and sentencing her to death? In order to protect the people we love, we're going to kill someone that we loved.

It didn't have any logic or make any sense when you put it in that context. But then again, a lot of what had happened lately hadn't made much sense.

The sound of a glass shattering broke me out of my daze and I watched the chaos unfold around me.

Rose was on her feet with Belikov right behind her, Christian too was on his feet and Eddie looked torn between blocking Christian or jumping over to protect Jill. Lissa sat in her chair with her chin held high while Jill cowered in hers, trying to avoid all eye contact with everyone. Just from glancing at this scene I already had an idea of what had happened.

If I could guess, I would say that Rose's and Lissa's conversation had actually translated into words, that Christian had shot back at Rose because his snarky comments were on par with hers. Words easily escalated between the two, Belikov and Castile probably tried reasoning with the Dragomir sisters watched wordlessly because this was beyond them.

And from what happened next, I knew I was right.

"What are you gonna do? Light my hair on fire?" Rose yelled at Christian, who just smirked when he raised his hands and produced a fireball in his palms.

"It's so dry it would make perfect kindling." He shot back, it wasn't his finest but it was enough to piss Rose off, which if I was being honest didn't take a whole lot.

"And you're face would make a good dart board." Rose sneered back, picking up one of the butter knives and with a flick of the wrist hurled it at the wall behind Christian's head. We all watched with wide eyes as the knife got stuck in the wall, knowing that if Rose really wanted to, that could have easily been Christian's head.

Just like I knew how it started, I knew how it would also play out. Eventually Castile and Belikov would calm down the two, there would be a few more jabs and then everything would be calmly resolved but there would still be underlying tension and dirty looks exchanged. Either that or one of them would kill the other, but I doubted that would be the outcome.

Either way, I came to the decision that I didn't need to stay for this. I had too many thoughts for one night, especially the one about Tasha and that was one that I would like to ponder alone. I couldn't sit through more courses with people who I used to know, with unseen emotional storms raging and people ready to throw knives at each other or light their hair on fire.

My head was already a mess and I was in the middle of the biggest fight of my life. I couldn't be there and sit through that without being pushed over the edge or actually having a drink of scotch. I needed to leave and I was finally going to do something right for myself.

So whether it was noticed or not, I stood from the table and left the room. I didn't look back and I didn't say a word, I was doing what was best for me in that moment. So with jumbled thoughts, I led myself out of the familiar hallways into the cool air and the moonless night.

**Rose's Point Of View**

"Are you drunk?" I found myself instinctively asking. I knew the answer was no, but that's the only explanation I could think of as to why he had just suggested we help a murder escape trial.

"No," Adrian told me dully. "That would be Jill."

I just pursed my lips and gave him a look, telling him that wasn't funny. He gave me a look in return as if to tell me he wasn't trying to be funny.

"Adrian, what you're suggesting…" I trailed off, not believing that he was actually suggesting we break murderous Tasha out of jail, that we set her free into the world. I cannot believe him, of all people, would be the one with this insane plan. "Is crazy, it's actually insane. We can't break her out of jail - she plotted and lied and, and she killed someone!"

"So?" Adrian shrugged, like none of the things that Tasha did were wrong, like they were everyday occurrences. "You've plotted, you've lied and you've killed. What makes you so much worse than her?"

"Uh, she killed the Queen, Adrian. That is far worse than anything I have ever done!" I was offended that he could even suggest my crimes were on par with Tasha's.

"She made a mistake," Adrian's voice was calm and collected, despite mine being loud and pretty much all over the place. "Haven't you ever made a mistake that you've regretted, one that you knew was probably never forgivable?"

His eyes burned into mine as I nodded my head. We both know that I've made mistakes, that I was practically the poster child for them these last few years. I was the last person to preach about being forgiven for mistakes since so many people had forgiven mine. I had made many of them and in that moment I wanted to tell him that cheating on him with Dimitri was that mistake for me. But the words didn't come out because this wasn't the right time, like at all.

"So are you with me?"

Adrian gave me that same haunting look with his piercing emerald eyes and I knew that with or without me, Adrian was going to break Tasha out of jail. He had come to this decision and decided that he was going to fight for her, he would do it alone if he had to. I knew that there was no talking him out of it, that there would be no persuading with him.

Adrian was going to do this.

"I'm with you."

So I figured I had to help or the idiot would get himself killed.


	11. Nobody said it was easy

**AN: **I know it's been a while and I'm sorry. I honestly haven't had time to be writing lately, it's been a whirlwind with graduating and summer and planning my life... it's overwhelming. So whenever I did get a moment to breathe, I found myself completely blank with writing... especially with this story. BUT with the unveiling of Dimitri's POV of the first VA chapter, I was inspired to right. So a big thanks to Richelle Mead for writing that! If you haven't checked it out, you should!

Disclaimer: All rights to Richelle Mead

* * *

**Rose's Point Of View**

I felt an overwhelming wave of nostalgia the next morning when I quietly pushed open the door to my house and slipped silently inside. Maybe it wasn't nostalgia so much as it was deja vu from all the times I had snuck in and out of my dorm at St. Vlads. I used to relish and brag about my ability to move swiftly and unnoticed through campus, rarely getting caught, except for that one time by Ms. Karp - but that was a completely different story.

I slipped off my heels and stifled a yawn as I tiptoed through the halls, honestly hoping Dimitri didn't wait up for me like I thought he might have. I hoped that with the chaos from dinner that he either stayed with Christian or just passed out, assuming that I would come home whenever I cooled down. But who was I kidding, he was Dimitri, he would wait up for me.

So when I stood in the doorway of our kitchen, it wasn't a surprise that he was perched at the counter with a mug of coffee tightly gripped in his hands, still wearing last nights clothes. I just stood in the doorway, heels and hands and looked at him with no words. I just bit my lip because I had nothing to say, I was just filled with endless sadness and disappointment.

I leaned my head against the frame and just watched him, he watched me back with the same expression on his face. It was one mixed with anger and frustration, emptiness and disappointment. We both felt the same thing, because lets face it, this was never what we wanted.

We wanted to be the old Rose and Dimitri, the ones that had fiery love and passion for each other. We wanted to have our trusting relationship like we used to, we wanted to fight for each other to the ends of the earth, just like we used to.

And we were disappointed that we weren't those people anymore, that we didn't have those things. We're angry at ourselves for not fighting, I know that I was mad at myself for being with Adrian last night - for wanting to be with Adrian more than I wanted to be with Dimitri. And I know Dimitri was mad at himself for not trying harder, for not looking for me last night, because we both know if he actually tried then he would have found me.

But he didn't want to. He didn't want to see me with another man, he didn't want to see me happy with someone else. Because if he did then he would have to admit that this wasn't working, that everything was over and there was no hope left.

Like he didn't already know that.

Dimitri and I knew this was over. We knew that moving on and breaking apart was our only option, but neither of us had made the move yet. Were we just masochistic or stubborn or hopeful? We're we afraid that being alone was worse than what we have, because at least now we have a companion and someone to surround ourselves with.

At least now we have a close friend.

Are we holding on so tight because we fear something so great won't happen again?

If that was the case then we needed to let go. We needed to take a leap of faith and hope that another epic love will come into our lives. Just because this love story has ended that doesn't mean that we won't get another chance at a better one - one that will last a lifetime. We needed to leave each other because then at least we could take the opportunity to find love again, we could maybe be happy again.

Because I didn't want to be unhappy forever, although there was no one else in the world I rather be unhappy with. I didn't want grow old with him being completely unhappy, I didn't want to resent him like I was starting to. I didn't want to hate the man who had taught me how to love, I didn't want to lose him forever.

But if we didn't move on, that's exactly what would happen.

We would hate each other, resent each other and blame each other for our unhappiness. We would point fingers at one another for our own demise, unable to admit that really it wasn't the other person's fault, but our own. Each of us needed to walk away, to cut the ties and stop fighting. We needed to give up any type of hope on this relationship if we had any hope of still being friends.

Neither of us said anything, but we were both thinking the same thing. No one actually had to say the words out loud for them to be heard, we both knew that it was true, that sooner or later we would have to give up on this - on us. But right now it looked like we were both still holding on, because I didn't say anything and neither did he.

"Call Lissa," He sighed, his voice sounding exasperated and warn out. I had to bite my lip at the sound of it, at the way that it broke my heart. The sound of his usually strong and commanding voice sounding so defeated caused my body to shudder in guilt. "She's worried about you."

And with that he slowly stood up, like each movement no matter how small, took a tremendous effort. It was like he had aged so far beyond his years, that he was way older than just twenty-four. It was like I had made him that way and I couldn't help but hate myself for it.

I just nodded my head as he walked past, moving to go upstairs and change for the impending trial that was today. I wanted to say something but for once I had no words. There was nothing I could say back to Dimitri because he was the one being wronged here, he was the one being left at dinner parties and alone in our house. He was the one who had to deal with everything, we had to evade questions and pretend like everything was alright because I was just too lost in my own world to do it.

He often answered questions whenever someone asked about our relationship, our house or our lives together. I could field the questions and pretend that we were happy and together but I couldn't Rose-logic my way out of most questions. Dimitri always answered, Dimitri always made it seem like we were still okay.

And that must have been exhausting for him.

Cause I knew it was tiring for me, I rested my back and head against the door frame, sliding down until I was sprawled on the floor.

**Adrian's Point of View**

I was laying on my bed, having just been able to rest after the long night of planning with Rose. I could feel every nerve in my body screaming for rest or for some type of relief, I tried to ignore the urge to grab a cigarette and just closed my eyes. But as soon as I did the door to my room burst open and I was so exhausted I didn't even find myself flinching or startled, I just slowly opened my eyes.

Standing in my doorway was Christian, looking pissed beyond belief.

"Can I help you?" I asked, my voice low and bored, almost sounding like Christian's actually. I watched as he stomped over to the bed, towering over me with a blazing look in his cool eyes. I knew that whatever coming was going to be even more exhausting so I didn't bother moving and just let him stand there, hoping he didn't set me on fire.

"Yeah, you can stay away from Rose." He spat and I couldn't help my eyebrows raising in surprise. I honestly never thought that Christian Ozera would be this concerned about what Rose and I were doing, especially since we were the two people who gave him the most grief. Christian had never really showed interest in mine and Rose's relationship before, he ways always too worried on me moving onto Lissa. "I know you were with her last night."

"Have you never heard of old friends catching up, Ozera?" I asked nonchalantly, I didn't want Christian getting any ideas about what we had been doing. We had been plotting to break out Tasha, which is probably the last thing he thinks we were doing but then again, I really rather him not thinking that Rose and I were getting hot and heavy. "Or would that require you to actually have them?"

"That's rich coming from you," Christian seethed and I said nothing because I knew he was partially right. Aside from Rose, Lissa and Christian there were few genuine people who actually wanted to see and catch up with me - that's if I could even count Rose or Christian. "But stay away from Rose, she and Dimitri are finally in a good place and they don't need you complicating things."

I just stared at Christian emotionless having so many things but unable to find the correct words. All of the snappy, witty comments I could think of didn't even sum up how backwards that sentence was, so I just had to settle for staring blankly for a few moments. How could he be so blind? I always had respect for Christian, although I didn't always show it and would openly deny it, I respected him. He had a hard life and it could've been easy for him to take a darker route or stop fighting against all of these people who continually told there was nothing he could do, that his fate was his fate. Christian always defended himself and those he loved, always the first one to call someone out when they were in the wrong - no matter who it was.

But what if this time, he was the one who was wrong? What if he was the one crossing the line, jumping to conclusions without waiting for any type of explanation. What if he needed to realize that in pointing the finger at me, there were three pointing back at him.

"How about instead of worrying about Rose's relationship, you focus on yours." I spat back, pushing myself up onto my elbows and shooting Christian a knowing look. "I think it's going to need all of your attention after today."

"What's that supposed to mean?" He spat back, but I didn't have to explain, he already knew. I said it before, Christian wasn't a stupid guy, in fact he was one of the most intelligent people I knew. He knew that things with Lissa weren't going like they always imagined and that things were strained and with this trial, things would only become more strained. It didn't take a genius to figure that out.

"All I'm saying is, it would be pretty hard to forgive my girlfriend for sentencing the woman who raised me to death." I shrugged, knowing I shouldn't be so caviller about it. "Deserved or not."

I knew what I was doing was wrong, I knew it completely. I shouldn't be pushing Ozera like this today, his aunt was going to be condemned today (unless Rose and I had anything to do about it, but he didn't know that yet), I shouldn't be egging him on. But a part of me was glad that I had. There was a sick, twisted and bent version of myself that wanted to make Christian hurt - just like I was hurt.

I wanted him to lose someone he loved, wanted him to suffer at the thought that the woman who helped raise him would die at the hands of others. I wanted him to feel empty and hollow at the thought that he was alone, with no guidance. I wanted him to worry about his relationships like I worried about mine, wanted him to think that Lissa was slipping away. I wanted him to feel like everything was slipping through his fingers.

I wanted him to hurt like I hurt.

And then I realized how fucked up that all was. I realized how heartless and cruel I sounded, how selfish and hateful that would be. That wasn't me, I wasn't that person who wished pain on other people (well, maybe I wished it a few times on my teachers and a few more on Belikov), I never had been that person nor did I ever want to be.

I wondered where all of this was coming from, how this hate and cruelty was planted into my mind because it was stemming quickly. These feelings were like weeds, growing rapidly and uncontrollably, unruly wrapping around my mind. They were killing my thoughts and were unable to be pulled, destroying everything their vines latched onto.

And then I knew, this was Spirit. This was what true madness was.

I had thought that I had gone mad before, that I had teetered on the edge of insanity but I had been mistaken. Before I had only been flirting with craziness, toying with the thought that I belonged in a psych ward. But now I realized that had all been child's play compared to now, this was the real deal. This was what insanity was.

Insanity was weeds.

In my inner ramblings, I hadn't realized that Christian had recovered from my heartless blow and was now snipping back at me. I could hardly hear any of his barbs and they didn't really effect me because I was too busy stumbling upon the realization that I might actually be crazy now. But I did tune in to the last thing he said before turning around and slamming the door behind him.

"And all I'm saying is, it's pretty hard to forgive someone who causes nothing but problems whenever he comes around." Christian spat back, playing on the words I said to him earlier. "Stop before you're left with no one, Adrian."

His words rang in my ears for a moment, echoing back in the empty room.

I was already alone.


End file.
